What, can I say? It's been a while. It seems while one of my original From Scratch monthly posts recapping the cockamamie advice of one Cosmopolitan Magazine has been good to me with a plentitude of hits, I have not been very good to it, throwing it to the wayside in exchange for copious amounts of Ke$ha posts. Well I'm sorry, to the Cosmo rag and RadCooks faithfuls alike. I was doing all over you, myself included, a disservice of massive proportions. But don't fret, my duties to the Sex Bible will no longer go untended.
What's the change in attitude, say you? Well dear internet-mongers, it's Lent, and as a terrible Catholic and one who's never kept a Lent Resolution (what do you call what you give up for 40 days?) I've decided to turn over a new leaf. I'm not giving anything up this Lent, because that would be counter-productive, instead I'm going to do something. And what shall I do, you ask? I'm going to do reading! It's really quite shameful, I'm a writer, in and out, I write for fun, I write for leisure, I write for pay, I write because I'm always right but I don't read. So I'm going to, at least for the next 40 days (hopefully.)
Today I'm reading Cosmo's April edition, cover to cover, even the monthly rape article. I know what you're thinking, Cosmo isn't real reading, well to you I say, baby steps, my friend. Tomorrow I'm hitting Freud's "Three Contributions To The Theory of Sex," but tonight, tonight I read about PC muscles and mildly kinky sex! Without further ado, here's your Cosmo Recap for April 2011 starring Tron: Legacy's Olivia Wilde!
Cosmo Cover Girl: Olivia Wilde pg. 48-51Birth Control Break Down: Why Your Method Sucks, Plus A NEW Condom & Morning After Pill! pg. 162-165The Sexy Side Of Ovulation pg. 158-159A Three-Step Guide To The Full Body Orgasm pg. 134101 Things About Men: ORLY?! pg. 70-73MacGyver Beauty Tips pg. 203-207Your Hair Might Look Good, But It Can Also Give You Cancer! pg. 176Read Olivia Wilde's full article below!
Here's the long-awaited Cosmo recap for July featuring the stunning, pasties flaunting Shakira. Click the links below to be Cosmo'd!
Shakira: Almost A Puff Piece - Pg 22-26
Colombian babies didn't wear shoes and resorted to "sniffing glue so they could forget how hungry they were." (Direct quote)
The seam running down the underside of his penis is right on line with the seem on his boys. This spot is uber sensitive and when touched the right way can send his orgasm over the top.
Here we are again. Another month, another issue of Cosmopolitan, complete with the latest groundbreaking innovations in sex, fashion and everything female. The June issue features Pink in a Iron Man inspired frock. Since it's Spring Time I've decided to add a new featured column to my monthly Cosmo recaps, look for Trends by month! And a 1, 2, 3 and away we go!
Click the links below to be Cosmoed!
Pink Is A Badass - Pg 46-51
I'm sure her therapist will point out that her parents' turbulent relationship resulted in much of her own problems with her on again, off again husband.
The Catcher - Ride him, planting your feet on the bed and use his hands as leverage to rock back and forth. This variation will give you more mobility and thrust!
Seriously, this is an article in Cosmo, with the cover that boasts, "Orgasm Guaranteed." The guarantee? That you can think you can, think you can you're way to the big O.
Tall Men are... Rich - According to Cosmo, "a study" [again with the hard-hitting facts] said for every inch [above "what" we don't know] increases your salary by about $789 a year.
I know, I know. It's almost fucking May and we haven't gotten our fix of monthly What I Learned from Cosmo. It's not my fault. My mother hid my magazine. She seems to keep the faith that my excessive use of the word "fuck" combined with my unabashed dialogue about well... you know, is unbecoming of a lady. Quite possible, but I'm going to do it anyway. I love you mom! (She's really not that old-fashioned, it's just a little game we like to play... or is it?!)
Enough with the non sequiturs, here's what you've all been waiting for... my May recap of Cosmo: The Sexy Issue starring Heidi Klum (is she even still relevant? I mean her show's on Lifetime!)
Heidi Klum: Why The Fuck Does She Get Everything?! - pg 37
The only thing that sparked a bit of interest was when the writer briefly talked about Klum's relationship with Italian businessman/womanizer extraordinaire, Flavio Briatore, who kicked her ass to curb after less than a year and preggers!
The researchers then tested the women's emotional status and found that those who didn't use condoms - and had therefore been exposed to semen - were less depressed than those who used protection.
You usually go on the pill because you're going to be getting busier than a pair of rabbits. However, the hormonal cocktail drops your testosterone production, lowering your libido.
This past winter, the Senate proposed a 10% tax on indoor tanning as part of the new health-care plan... and President Obama later included it in his own version of the bill.
Below are the full scans of Heidi's inspirational interview!
Charlotte's precocious daughter Lily summarizes the plot for Sex And The City 2, set (randomly) in Abu Dhabi, best "Like Jasmine & Aladdin?" Carrie adding her typical one liner comeback, "Yes sweetie, but with cocktails."
From the looks of the trailer this film is going to be more haphazardly put together than it's predecessor. When Carrie remarks on the lack of "sparkle" in her and Big's marriage (they should really see Edward Cullen about that) and then sees him flirting with Penelope Cruz (I'd do her) the obvious response is not to work things out, rekindle the romance or have a Mr. Someone sleep on the couch... no the writer's of SATC know the true way to solve marriage disillusionment... taking your 3 besties to Abu Dhabi! DUH!
This film seems to take all the "sex" out of the mix, with hints that (once again) all 4 women have serious problems with their respective relationshits with men. Lets not even go into the fact that "The City", which we'd assume would be New York, is not the noted setting for the film. So let's see Sex And The City minus sex and minus New York... well I'm totally looking forward to seeing a movie called And!
Aside from the clear shit-show this movie is going to be. celebs came out in waves to cameo in the film. Only counting the celebs in the trailer we're looking at Penny Cruz (as a homewrecking firecracker [she's not being typecast]), Miley Cyrus (as a Samantha-outfit-copying youngster), Liza Minelli (as the wedding band for Stanford) and... *drum roll please* AIDEN! (Who somehow miraculously winds up in Abu Dhabi!)
In all seriousness though, I will be at the midnight screening of And, Cosmopolitan flask in tow! I honestly can't wait to see what they're planning to do with 4 menopausal women for over 2 hrs!
Side note: I always thought Carrie should be with Aiden. I know it won't happen but I like the prospect. Mr. Big is such a dick!
Below is a gallery of Samantha's crazy ass outfits. Click for gold hammer pants, designer turban type thing, sparkly cut out dress and spikey armor shoulder pads!