What, can I say? It's been a while. It seems while one of my original From Scratch monthly posts recapping the cockamamie advice of one Cosmopolitan Magazine has been good to me with a plentitude of hits, I have not been very good to it, throwing it to the wayside in exchange for copious amounts of Ke$ha posts. Well I'm sorry, to the Cosmo rag and RadCooks faithfuls alike. I was doing all over you, myself included, a disservice of massive proportions. But don't fret, my duties to the Sex Bible will no longer go untended.
What's the change in attitude, say you? Well dear internet-mongers, it's Lent, and as a terrible Catholic and one who's never kept a Lent Resolution (what do you call what you give up for 40 days?) I've decided to turn over a new leaf. I'm not giving anything up this Lent, because that would be counter-productive, instead I'm going to do something. And what shall I do, you ask? I'm going to do reading! It's really quite shameful, I'm a writer, in and out, I write for fun, I write for leisure, I write for pay, I write because I'm always right but I don't read. So I'm going to, at least for the next 40 days (hopefully.)
Today I'm reading Cosmo's April edition, cover to cover, even the monthly rape article. I know what you're thinking, Cosmo isn't real reading, well to you I say, baby steps, my friend. Tomorrow I'm hitting Freud's "Three Contributions To The Theory of Sex," but tonight, tonight I read about PC muscles and mildly kinky sex! Without further ado, here's your Cosmo Recap for April 2011 starring Tron: Legacy's Olivia Wilde!
Cosmo Cover Girl: Olivia Wilde pg. 48-51Birth Control Break Down: Why Your Method Sucks, Plus A NEW Condom & Morning After Pill! pg. 162-165The Sexy Side Of Ovulation pg. 158-159A Three-Step Guide To The Full Body Orgasm pg. 134101 Things About Men: ORLY?! pg. 70-73MacGyver Beauty Tips pg. 203-207Your Hair Might Look Good, But It Can Also Give You Cancer! pg. 176Read Olivia Wilde's full article below!
Here's the long-awaited Cosmo recap for July featuring the stunning, pasties flaunting Shakira. Click the links below to be Cosmo'd!
Shakira: Almost A Puff Piece - Pg 22-26
Colombian babies didn't wear shoes and resorted to "sniffing glue so they could forget how hungry they were." (Direct quote)
The seam running down the underside of his penis is right on line with the seem on his boys. This spot is uber sensitive and when touched the right way can send his orgasm over the top.
As promised I am delivering my first part of my first two-parter. If you loved Why It Sucks To Have A Vagina you'll moderately like this!
10 Reasons Why It Rocks To Have A Vagina
1. Babies - Freud says women have penis envy, well I say that men have womb envy. Yeah, you men claim to be so grateful that you don't have to deliver babies; but really, deep down inside, you're jealous. We give life unto the world and that rocks!
2. We Live Longer - Hello insurance check! Women generally get another few years on this earth!
3. We're Prettier - Let's face it, there's a reason countless paintings, sculptures, songs and poems have been dedicated to the bodies and faces of women. We're better looking!
4. Better Orgasms! - It's true, women have better orgasms. The clitoris is many times more sensitive than the tip of the penis. Our orgasms aren't only more intense than a man's but we can have different types of orgasms, count 'em, 3 types: clitoral, G-spot, and the newly discovered female prostate!
6 more reasons being a chick is awesome after the jump!
Continue reading Why It Rocks To Have A Vagina→
...because he can.
In honor of Nip/Tuck's series finale I am writing a post, which has been over a year in the making. Well, really it wasn't in the making, more of in my brain. Procrastination's my thing, remember?! Anyway, this post is in part inspired by the below episode of Nip/Tuck feating The Hangover's Bradley Cooper and Supernatural's sexiest, brooding angel, Castiel aka Micha Collins! The post is also based on my experience in manipulating men to tell me things they normally wouldn't admit, even to themselves, ie they've tried to fellate themselves... and much, much more!
Auto-fellatio, or the art of south-of-the-boarder self-service, is both a practiced and prideful phenomenon which can only happen when the Sun aligns with Uranus (terrible joke) and, well.. you get the picture. I'm not making this shit up, there are books and websites dedicated to learning how to do this. I know, all you men are reading this (in actuality it's just my mother and she's horrified right now, again, sorry mom) and rolling your eyes at me, thinking to yourself, "This bitch it crazy, I would never do that, how homosexual!" And to you I say, "Bitch please! If you could do it, I know you would!" Because, let's face it, I know, just was well as you do, you've all tried it! Which brings me to my hypothetical of the day:
Hypothetically speaking, would you give yourself a BJ if you could?
A good litmus test for whether or not you might be uncomfortable by this post is the below video. I taped my Nana (RIP) talking about sex. All in all, she's brilliant, and if you would be unable to talk to your grandmother about anal sex do not read on. Because I did... and it was wonderful!
Continue reading AUTO-FELLATIO: Sampling Your Own Pancakes→
It must be that time of the month again! My May issue of Cosmopolitan, staring Paramore's Hayley Williams, came in the mail! And as per our agreement, I've thumbed through the countless ads for self-tanner and diet pills to find the very best, this month's issue has to offer! And as per our agreement, you shall read what I have to say. Now go! READ IT!
Hayley Williams: Corn Dog of Revenge pg. 46-49
The Rubber-Band Effect pg. 144-147
I Have Orgasms All Day Long pg. 214-215
Sex Moves His Ex Didn't Do pg. 141-143
How Guys Really Feel About Your BO pg. 82
Decode His Texts pg. 256
May Look Book
Check out full scans of Hayley's boring interview.
