In the hopes to diversify my glob and in my neverending quest to understand the opposite sex, I've added
Esquire Magazine to my monthly
What I Learned recaps. I have to say, I'm very pleased with my first men's magazine purchase. Luckily, the first issue I decided to pick up of
Esquire is the
Women Issue, it must be fate. What I've learned about men's mags, just by flipping through the rag, I do it back to front (I know, I'm an anomaly) is that they're shorter than women's mags, probably because there aren't as many ads, Viagra replaces Plan B spreads and the articles seem to be shorter, more serious and... of course, written by men. I hope you all enjoy these few gems I've taken away from this month's
Esquire, here's what I learned!
Christina Hendricks' Advice To Men - pg 80
It's the most impressive drink order. It's classic. It's sexy. Such a rich color. The glass, the smell. It's not watered down with fruit juice. It's Scotch. And you ordered it.
Ejaculatory Force: Are You a Shooter or a Dribbler? - pg 46
It's basically like stepping on a hose. The older you get the bigger your prostate gets and it causes pressure on the ejaculatory ducts and then less pressure builds.
Surprising Statistics About Women - pg 76
14% of women masturbate everyday
Love Advice From Barney Stinson - pg 121
Studies have shown the best way to feign interest in what a chick is saying is to silently not your head to 'My Sharona.'
Female to Male Greeting Translator - pg 111
Ever wonder how her many greetings translate? Keep this guide on hand when she's being cryptic (ie using a subscribed greeting Esquire has arbitrarily given underlying meanings.)
What Women Expect From Men - pg 109
Random Expectation: "He should know how to whittle wood." (You what they say about wood whittlers...)
Men Love Lumberjack-y Women - pg 75
Apparently, you look best to use when you look like a man - specifically, a drunk lumberjack with rhythm.
Side note: Just in case you're wondering what Esquire means
dictionary.com defines it as "an unofficial title of respect, having no precise significance, sometimes placed, esp. in its abbreviated form, after a man's surname in formal written address." Basically it's a fancy sounding, made up title given to make men feel better about themselves who haven't achieved MD/PHD/DDS status.
For all you Christina Hendricks lovers, here's a gallery of America's #1 Fire-Crotch!
I know, I know. It's almost fucking May and we haven't gotten our fix of monthly What I Learned from Cosmo. It's not my fault. My mother hid my magazine. She seems to keep the faith that my excessive use of the word "fuck" combined with my unabashed dialogue about well... you know, is unbecoming of a lady. Quite possible, but I'm going to do it anyway. I love you mom! (She's really not that old-fashioned, it's just a little game we like to play... or is it?!)
Enough with the non sequiturs, here's what you've all been waiting for... my May recap of Cosmo: The Sexy Issue starring Heidi Klum (is she even still relevant? I mean her show's on Lifetime!)
Heidi Klum: Why The Fuck Does She Get Everything?! - pg 37
