In the hopes to diversify my glob and in my neverending quest to understand the opposite sex, I've added
Esquire Magazine to my monthly
What I Learned recaps. I have to say, I'm very pleased with my first men's magazine purchase. Luckily, the first issue I decided to pick up of
Esquire is the
Women Issue, it must be fate. What I've learned about men's mags, just by flipping through the rag, I do it back to front (I know, I'm an anomaly) is that they're shorter than women's mags, probably because there aren't as many ads, Viagra replaces Plan B spreads and the articles seem to be shorter, more serious and... of course, written by men. I hope you all enjoy these few gems I've taken away from this month's
Esquire, here's what I learned!
Christina Hendricks' Advice To Men - pg 80
It's the most impressive drink order. It's classic. It's sexy. Such a rich color. The glass, the smell. It's not watered down with fruit juice. It's Scotch. And you ordered it.
Ejaculatory Force: Are You a Shooter or a Dribbler? - pg 46
It's basically like stepping on a hose. The older you get the bigger your prostate gets and it causes pressure on the ejaculatory ducts and then less pressure builds.
Surprising Statistics About Women - pg 76
14% of women masturbate everyday
Love Advice From Barney Stinson - pg 121
Studies have shown the best way to feign interest in what a chick is saying is to silently not your head to 'My Sharona.'
Female to Male Greeting Translator - pg 111
Ever wonder how her many greetings translate? Keep this guide on hand when she's being cryptic (ie using a subscribed greeting Esquire has arbitrarily given underlying meanings.)
What Women Expect From Men - pg 109
Random Expectation: "He should know how to whittle wood." (You what they say about wood whittlers...)
Men Love Lumberjack-y Women - pg 75
Apparently, you look best to use when you look like a man - specifically, a drunk lumberjack with rhythm.
Side note: Just in case you're wondering what Esquire means
dictionary.com defines it as "an unofficial title of respect, having no precise significance, sometimes placed, esp. in its abbreviated form, after a man's surname in formal written address." Basically it's a fancy sounding, made up title given to make men feel better about themselves who haven't achieved MD/PHD/DDS status.
For all you Christina Hendricks lovers, here's a gallery of America's #1 Fire-Crotch!
What, can I say? It's been a while. It seems while one of my original From Scratch monthly posts recapping the cockamamie advice of one Cosmopolitan Magazine has been good to me with a plentitude of hits, I have not been very good to it, throwing it to the wayside in exchange for copious amounts of Ke$ha posts. Well I'm sorry, to the Cosmo rag and RadCooks faithfuls alike. I was doing all over you, myself included, a disservice of massive proportions. But don't fret, my duties to the Sex Bible will no longer go untended.
What's the change in attitude, say you? Well dear internet-mongers, it's Lent, and as a terrible Catholic and one who's never kept a Lent Resolution (what do you call what you give up for 40 days?) I've decided to turn over a new leaf. I'm not giving anything up this Lent, because that would be counter-productive, instead I'm going to do something. And what shall I do, you ask? I'm going to do reading! It's really quite shameful, I'm a writer, in and out, I write for fun, I write for leisure, I write for pay, I write because I'm always right but I don't read. So I'm going to, at least for the next 40 days (hopefully.)
Today I'm reading Cosmo's April edition, cover to cover, even the monthly rape article. I know what you're thinking, Cosmo isn't real reading, well to you I say, baby steps, my friend. Tomorrow I'm hitting Freud's "Three Contributions To The Theory of Sex," but tonight, tonight I read about PC muscles and mildly kinky sex! Without further ado, here's your Cosmo Recap for April 2011 starring Tron: Legacy's Olivia Wilde!
Cosmo Cover Girl: Olivia Wilde pg. 48-51
Birth Control Break Down: Why Your Method Sucks, Plus A NEW Condom & Morning After Pill! pg. 162-165
The Sexy Side Of Ovulation pg. 158-159
A Three-Step Guide To The Full Body Orgasm pg. 134
101 Things About Men: ORLY?! pg. 70-73
MacGyver Beauty Tips pg. 203-207
Your Hair Might Look Good, But It Can Also Give You Cancer! pg. 176
Read Olivia Wilde's full article below!
