In the hopes to diversify my glob and in my neverending quest to understand the opposite sex, I've added Esquire Magazine to my monthly What I Learned recaps. I have to say, I'm very pleased with my first men's magazine purchase. Luckily, the first issue I decided to pick up of Esquire is the Women Issue, it must be fate. What I've learned about men's mags, just by flipping through the rag, I do it back to front (I know, I'm an anomaly) is that they're shorter than women's mags, probably because there aren't as many ads, Viagra replaces Plan B spreads and the articles seem to be shorter, more serious and... of course, written by men. I hope you all enjoy these few gems I've taken away from this month's Esquire, here's what I learned!
Christina Hendricks' Advice To Men - pg 80
It's the most impressive drink order. It's classic. It's sexy. Such a rich color. The glass, the smell. It's not watered down with fruit juice. It's Scotch. And you ordered it.
It's basically like stepping on a hose. The older you get the bigger your prostate gets and it causes pressure on the ejaculatory ducts and then less pressure builds.
Ever wonder how her many greetings translate? Keep this guide on hand when she's being cryptic (ie using a subscribed greeting Esquire has arbitrarily given underlying meanings.)
Apparently, you look best to use when you look like a man - specifically, a drunk lumberjack with rhythm.
Side note: Just in case you're wondering what Esquire means dictionary.com defines it as "an unofficial title of respect, having no precise significance, sometimes placed, esp. in its abbreviated form, after a man's surname in formal written address." Basically it's a fancy sounding, made up title given to make men feel better about themselves who haven't achieved MD/PHD/DDS status.
For all you Christina Hendricks lovers, here's a gallery of America's #1 Fire-Crotch!
Here you have it, the first two-parter coming your way. Are you excited about the next one? I am! Men, we already went over Why It Sucks To Have A Penis, so now we shall celebrate all the great things you've got going for you. (Because we all know it's nice to sandwich a criticism in compliments!)
10 Reasons It Rocks To Have A Penis
1. Beards - I have said time and time again, how much I wish I could grow a beard. I have an odd fixation with beards. They come in so many different sizes, shapes, textures, colors, ect. Oh the possibilities are endless!
2. Lower STD Rates - Yeah, women are getting infected with STDs at a higher rate than men are. Additionally certain diseases, ie chlamydia, are not symptomatic in men. Meaning, while you can give it to that ho fo' sho' you just hooked up with, you're just an innocent carrier.
3. Pregnancy - Some of you might think that having babies sucks, I don't. But I do understand that our bodied (unless you're Kelly Ripa) will never look the same after pregnancy. So kick back and relax, when you have a baby you're body will not be affected!
4. Men Are Sluts - Is this a revelation? I think not. The sexual double standard works in your favor. Men are encouraged to be sexually promiscuous. So while women are still living in the age of the scarlet letter, men are free to go around and slut it up!
6 more reasons being a dude is awesome after the jump!
Continue reading Why It Rocks To Have A Penis→
Men, I love you, and I give you guys credit for everything you have to do. I believe I truly understand why it sucks to be a guy, and please, if you wish to correct me after you finish reading this then let's go out for a drink (my treat!)
Why It Sucks To Have A Penis
1. You Have To Pay For Dates - While I do think a man should pay for the first three dates (at the very least the first) and I'll always offer to go Dutch, there are women who expect men to pay for a lot more. In this economy it's hard to date, and we understand that. Please refer to my post, Free Ways To Get Laid if your pockets are a little light of late.
2. Rejection - We do expect you to make the first move, we also expect you to get the fuck away from us if we shoot you down. It's hard to deal with rejection on a regular basis. My hat goes off to all the men who try, fail and continue to try!
3. Condoms - We understand that it must feel very claustrophobic for your little Princess Sophia to be tightly wrapped up in latex... but understand that pregnancy/abortions are expensive and herpes never dies!
4. You Die Sooner - Death is something that everyone has to face, it just sucks that men have a few years less to spend on the earth. But just think of it like this, when you die your wife is going to be left with nothing to mend her broken heart... except for all your money, personal belongings and pension. I kid. Not really.
6 more reasons why it sucks to be a dude after the jump!
Continue reading Why It Sucks To Have A Penis→
In my eternal quest to understand the true difference between men and women, I am devoting 2 posts, that's right not, just 1 but 2 posts to the difficulties associated with each set of genitalia. Since I'm a woman this list will come pretty easily. Here you go, the top 10 reasons why it sucks to be a woman.
Why It Sucks To Have A Vagina
1. Menstruation - I've dedicated a lot of words to menstruation, and while it has to be said, I actually like having a period (it is what makes us women after all) it's still a pain in the ass. Cramps, mood swings, bloating all suck. And let's not forget what having a period does to your wallet (tampons are expensive.)
2. We Make Less Money - Statistically speaking we make much less money than men, women aren't given paid maternity leave and in the end we basically have to go to college to get a decent job. FACT: A woman that gets her BA will make the same amount of money as a man with just a HS diploma.
3. We're Not Taken As Seriously - Whether it's is class, with family, amongst friends or at work, a man's opinion, thought and/or ideas are taken more seriously than a woman's.
4. The Virgin/Whore Dichotomy - A lady in the street but a freak in the sheets. A motto I try to live my life by... just kidding. But seriously a woman's sexuality is a very delicate subject. Men and Women, myself included, make snap judgements about other women based on how we think she is sexually.
6 more reasons it sucks to be a chick after the jump!
Continue reading Why It Sucks To Have A Vagina→
They say behind every fabulous straight woman is her fabulous gay best friend. Gay men have loved beautiful, flamboyant women since the dawn of time; Cleopatra's fabulousness is proof of this! Yes, it's true, there is a strange co-dependent relationship between gay men and straight women. However, that bond is so strong not even the tests of time can break it. Here's a look at all the fabulous women that inspired and were inspired by fabulous gay men.
Follow The Yellow Brick Road For 35 Fierce Bitches!Continue reading 35 GAY ICONS: Friends Of Dorothy→
They say we live in a world where chivalry has died, I say to they that chivalry is not dead... it's just in hibernation. We all want to be equal and as I see it, chivalry is a sort of cultural reparations for all the extra shit women have to deal with/pay for that men don't. I know, I know, it's tough to be a guy, the grass is always greener, whatever old saying you want to use, I know it's not easy being a man. As a woman, and an overall liker (I would have said lover but... you know) of men I want to help you get what you want... sex.
Let's face it, in this economy it's tough to be in a relationship, it's even harder at the beginning of a relationship when a guy is expected to pay for every/most things. Those first few dates are clutch; we women know you guys are looking to score and, whether we like to admit it or not, we're testing you. The disconnect happens when a guy thinks he has to do big things to impress a woman. Here's a secret, we women (and when I say we women, I'm speaking on behalf of all Klassy women, because let's face it, you can't turn a whore into a housewife)... anyway, we women care more about small gestures that can mean a lot than big gestures that don't have any thought behind them.
If you follow these guidelines, guaranteed*, you will make a big impression on that special lady of yours... which might make her a little easier. Just saying.
Side note: Guarantee only applies to Klassy ladies, ie those who aren't going out with you because she feels bad for you, has nothing else to do, you wore her down and/or you're paying for her meal.
Things A Man Can Do To Get A Girl To Sleep With Him - Recession Style
15 helpful hints after the jump!
Continue reading FOR MEN ONLY: Free Ways To Get Laid→
It must be that time of the month again. My monthly subscription has come... to Cosmo I mean. Yes, Cosmopolitan Magazine is the source for all my life decisions. They're brilliant, that's all I have to say; and this month they've delivered a few great gems unto the world. RadCooks is your only source for monthly Cosmo Recaps!
Click the links below to be Cosmoed
Who is Lady Gaga? - Pg 30-34
Lady Gaga is a slut. She freely admits it in this month's Cosmo featuring her on the cover in her wildest outfit yet... herself.
Which, basically sums up all of male and female behavior, women aren't baby-hungry and men aren't whores, we're both just trying to prolong our species the best ways we can.
Where the liquid comes (pun) from isn't exactly pinned down yet (women are such a mystery) but scientists are suggesting it comes from the female prostate. Yeah guys, we've got one too!
Utah proposed a law to criminalize miscarriage. SRSLY?!
State Rep. Carl Wimmer, says he'll take out the provision making a woman's "reckless act" inducing miscarriage eligible for homicide prosecution. This is the part of the bill that could've sentenced women to life in prison for falling down the stairs, drinking alcohol, or staying in an abusive relationship.
Unfortunately, Wimmer plans to leave in language that criminalizes a woman's "intentional" act to induce miscarriage — meaning some miscarriages and/or illegal abortions could still open up a woman to homicide charges. All this is in response to a 17-year-old girl who paid someone to beat her into miscarrying — the solution to which, clearly, is to throw her in jail. It apparently hasn't crossed the legislators' minds that improving access to safe, legal abortions — by, for instance, removing Utah's parental-notification law — might prevent girls and women from resorting to such horrific tactics. Or, more likely, Utah still cares more about controlling women than about helping them.
I concur with Jezebel. This is just poor lawmaking. Maybe instead of adding useless laws, these so-called lawmakers should enforce/revise currents laws. How many times can I saw law? LAW, LAW, LAW! Apparently a lot.
I get that fetal alcohol syndrome does exist but the conspiracy theorist inside of me makes me wonder if it's really all just a little bit of bullshit? I mean, come one, our grandmothers drank and smoked during their pregnancies and the Baby Boomers are like the best generation ever.
I'm not saying all us ladies should drink and smoke when we get preggers, but we live in a world of hypochondriacs and disease mongers. With that said, when I am with child, I will lay in bed, not move and have my husband bring me everything I want, for fear of harming my precious spawn. And honestly, I can probably give up my vices for the better part of a year, I just don't know how I'm going to give up sushi. That shit is addictive and packed with protein... and yummy, yummy mercury!
Besides, Nova Schin makes non-alcoholic beer for pregnant women. Because, let's face it, there's nothing more satisfying, then coming home after a long day of carrying your giant ass belly around, with creepy ass people touching you, kicking your feet up and opening up a brewski. SRSLY though, I would never fucking drink non-alcoholic beer, that's just plain blasphemy!
On a slightly related note, and to take some of the, you're-an-evil-baby-killer heat off me, here's my future baby-daddy, Stephen Lynch, singing a wonderful little diddy. This one goes out to the ladies!
Intent published an article last week about PMS and how it's really great for women because it gives us a chance to turn inward and explore our emotional spectrum. And then Jezebel got a hold of the article and tore it a new one.
Actually, what makes me "sad, anxious, and angry" is not my PMS. It's this article, which suggests that normal women even have the option to "resist their natural hormonal cycle." As if that's possible without some sort of outside assistance? The only ammo I have against my natural hormonal cycle is a pack of birth-control pills and a crazy-pill cocktail. And even then, I can't guarantee I'm not going to be a sobby bitch for at least half a day. (Alternately, I can't guarantee I'm not not going to be a sobby bitch at any other point during the month.)
I don't find either of these articles incredibly eye opening. All women, who bleed, have experienced PMS for it's bad, ie bloating, bitchiness, tearfulness, eat-everything-in-the-house-syndrome, and CRAMPS. We often forget the great things about PMS ie period boobs and the fact that you are not pregnant!
Regardless of these articles, I'm honestly pretty fucking tired of men, not the dumb ones in films and TV, but men in real life asking the stupidest question of life, "Oh is it that time of the month?" Because it is either (a) that time of the month, and if it is you've just said something that's going to really fucking piss her off, or the more likely (b) not that time of the month and you've basically just invalidated her feelings.
Men, you know how every time your team looses and you get really irritable and sad? What if we were to turn around and say, "Oh god, you fucking pussy, man up, it's a fucking game!" You probably would be upset that we invalidated your feelings, and if you were subject to monthly hormonal tide of overwhelmance it would probably make you cry!
So, please, I beg you... DON'T FUCKING HURT WOMEN'S FEELINGS BY BEING COMPLETE AND UTTER TOOLS! IF YOU DO I WILL FUCKING HUNT YOU DOWN AND CUT YOUR BALLS OFF!
And I'm not just yelling because I'm on my period. Now have a nice day!
In the hopes to diversify my glob and in my neverending quest to understand the opposite sex, I've added Esquire Magazine to my monthly What I Learned recaps. I have to say, I'm very pleased with my first men's magazine purchase. Luckily, the first issue I decided to pick up of Esquire is the Women Issue, it must be fate. What I've learned about men's mags, just by flipping through the rag, I do it back to front (I know, I'm an anomaly) is that they're shorter than women's mags, probably because there aren't as many ads, Viagra replaces Plan B spreads and the articles seem to be shorter, more serious and... of course, written by men. I hope you all enjoy these few gems I've taken away from this month's Esquire, here's what I learned!
Christina Hendricks' Advice To Men - pg 80
