In honor of Nip/Tuck's series finale I am writing a post, which has been over a year in the making. Well, really it wasn't in the making, more of in my brain. Procrastination's my thing, remember?! Anyway, this post is in part inspired by the below episode of Nip/Tuck feating The Hangover's Bradley Cooper and Supernatural's sexiest, brooding angel, Castiel aka Micha Collins! The post is also based on my experience in manipulating men to tell me things they normally wouldn't admit, even to themselves, ie they've tried to fellate themselves... and much, much more! Auto-fellatio, or the art of south-of-the-boarder self-service, is both a practiced and prideful phenomenon which can only happen when the Sun aligns with Uranus (terrible joke) and, well.. you get the picture. I'm not making this shit up, there are books and websites dedicated to learning how to do this. I know, all you men are reading this (in actuality it's just my mother and she's horrified right now, again, sorry mom) and rolling your eyes at me, thinking to yourself, "This bitch it crazy, I would never do that, how homosexual!" And to you I say, "Bitch please! If you could do it, I know you would!" Because, let's face it, I know, just was well as you do, you've all tried it! Which brings me to my hypothetical of the day: Hypothetically speaking, would you give yourself a BJ if you could? A good litmus test for whether or not you might be uncomfortable by this post is the below video. I taped my Nana (RIP) talking about sex. All in all, she's brilliant, and if you would be unable to talk to your grandmother about anal sex do not read on. Because I did... and it was wonderful! Gentlemen, what's the one thing that can ruin a blow job? Say it with me... TEETH! Nothing is scarier to a man than a vagina with teeth, which in the case of BlowJays, a mouth is. While it has the potential for incredible pleasure, let's face it, the mouth can do things the run-of-the-mill VaJayJay can't. It also has the potential to be a bear trap. Which, I mean, if a guy has the opportunity to get dome, even with the potential of a little toothiness, he's going to do it. However, if auto-fellatio were, in fact, achievable by all men, they would finally understand how hard (pun-intended) and what an intricate and delicate art form fellatio actually is. Taking Micha's side in this, where would women be if men could service themselves like that? We'd basically be out of a job (oh the puns). It's like those machines that build cars, "Oh, we figured out how to do it without you, so sorry, lay-offs." And you can forget about reciprocation. Not like it isn't hard enough as it is to get a guy to go down on you, if you take away the only Ace up our sleeves, which a blow job is, we, as women, have basically lost all of our cunnilingus rights, which, as it would be, our right to orgasm. Side note: Only 20-25% of women can achieve vaginal orgasm during sex. So guys, work the clit! Just in case you don't know where it is, here's a fucking map!

Anyway... back to the issue at hand... speaking of hands, can I just talk about The Hand Job Principle for a sec? The HJ Principle is as follows, men, while they would welcome a hand job from a gentlelady (and only if she's gentle, hey-oh, I'm on fire today!) would much sooner prefer some other sort of sexual act, because, and here's the kicker, they can do it better themselves! Guys don't seek out HJays, because they've got that shit covered, they know what they like, they've been doing it for decades and they've got it down to a science. I mean, if you made killer pancakes and then someone was like, "How about you eat the pancakes I made? Even though they are inferior to yours," you'd probably try them, because, let's face it, pancakes are awesome and we should all sample a large variety of flapjacks, but at the end of the day, no pancakes are going to satisfy you like yours will because, you know how do it good! Is anyone else hungry right now?! And so, because I love sweeping metaphors, hand jobs are like awesome pancakes... wait, oh yeah. If you do it great yourself, you're not going to want someone else to do it for you. Therefore... if a guy can blow himself, he's not going to want a girl to do it for him. Which, depending on which side of the fence you fall on, could be a good thing. Women generally fall within two fractions on the blow job front, either (a) they are for it and like pleasuring their man and hearing him squeal and grunt, or (b) they find it disgusting and are selfish pillow princesses. Which, for the record, as far as pillow princesses go, is not just a term for women, guys! No one likes a pillow princess! However, I do find that most of the women, I come into contact with, fall within the former fraction of blow job politics. And so, in conclusion, men, please do not try to give yourself a hummer. Not because it might be construed as "gay," which, BTDubs I do not think it is, but because what will be left for us women? I know a lot of women would argue with me, that you'd actually be doing us a favor, but listen, we have egos too and our self-esteem is low enough without not being needed for the simplest of sexual favors. So for you men who are getting blow jobs from your special lady friend(s) be grateful, and for those of you guys who aren't so lucky to be getting head, come hang out with my friends... hypothetically speaking. PS You can all try but you're probably not going to be successful, because along with a necessary natural flexibility, you need an extra-long Johnson, which while I'm sure you all think yours is special, and let's face it, in some way, all penises are special in their own special way, but not all penises are necessarily special in a large kind of way... you know. But please go ahead and try, but just a little fact, because I really didn't support any of this thesis with factual backing, Kinsey, my favorite sexologist, found that at most 3/1000 men can fellate themselves. Which, I have to say, is better than your odds of winning the lottery, but, let's face it, you've got more than one try at winning the lotto. PPS I'm >this< close to being able to lick my elbow! PPS I said "let's face it" 5 times in the post!