It must be that time of the month again. My monthly subscription has come... to Cosmo I mean. Yes, Cosmopolitan Magazine is the source for all my life decisions. They're brilliant, that's all I have to say; and this month they've delivered a few great gems unto the world. RadCooks is your only source for monthly Cosmo Recaps!
Click the links below to be Cosmoed
Who is Lady Gaga? - Pg 30-34
Lady Gaga is a slut. She freely admits it in this month's Cosmo featuring her on the cover in her wildest outfit yet... herself.
Which, basically sums up all of male and female behavior, women aren't baby-hungry and men aren't whores, we're both just trying to prolong our species the best ways we can.
Where the liquid comes (pun) from isn't exactly pinned down yet (women are such a mystery) but scientists are suggesting it comes from the female prostate. Yeah guys, we've got one too!
From the creators of Vajazzling, Completely Bare offers a Sculpted Tan for those who wish to skip the gym. Click Here
The sculpted tan basically makes you look like you have muscles, cleavage, ect when you're really just a flat-chested fatty. I'm sorry that was harsh... but so is this. The point of having muscles is so we can hunt/gather/ward off tigers, but now with modern technology, we have machines/poor people to do that stuff for us (also harsh, but true.) We've evolved to the point that we don't need muscle definition anymore, except for the point of attracting others and getting down, which... if you're getting down, your lovah is going to see your enormous breasts are actually an optical illusion, or even worse, your abs might rub off on some poor, unexpecting body part.
But, if you must, just know that you are not alone, Britney Spears, Mariah Carey and Robert Pattinson have all sported faux-abs.
So, I still don't know the correct spelling, Vagazzle or Vajazzle, Completely Bare, the spa that offers the service spells it Vajazzle, but refers to the service as "completely bare with a Flair." Regardless, the first Vagazzle/Vajazzle post is by far my most popular, sickos! And so, in honor of that ill-fated post I shall give the people what they want! Below is the original video of Jennifer Love Hewitt on George Lopez talking about her Disco Ball!
Completely Bare is a spa, with 3 locations in Manhattan and 1 in Scarsdale (random.) The Vajazzling treatment itself will run you $115, but before you're able to encrust your cooter with crystals you'll need to plow you're lady garden; a completely bare Wax (a thorough wax removing everything, front to back) will run you $82. Which means you can drop almost $200 on your vagina in one visit to the Completely Bare Spa, not including numbing cream (which for some reason costs extra!), tax and tip (tip well!)
I said in my last Vajazzle post that I was on the fence as to whether or not this was a good idea; I've since formulated a thought! I think women should get Vajazzled! Since I don't think vajazzling is something women do strictly for men, I think it's something only a woman can truly enjoy, I would definitely do it! Vajazzling is a feminist expression, celebrating the vagina! So go on girl, frost yourself (How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days reference)!
And for the rest of you sickos out there, I know this is what you really wanted, PICTURES! Feast your eyes!
Take me to Oscar Predictions
James Cameron might have won the box office battle but Kathryn Bigelow certainly won the war. Bigelow made Oscar history tonight by being the first woman to ever win an Oscar for Best Directing. Not only did Bigelow cock slap ex Cameron with her history making win, but homegirl didn't even have time to get back to her seat before Tom Hanks did a driveby announcement of best picture. Seriously, that show was running a bit long but I didn't expect Tom to be so quick about it (just like a man.) Hosts Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin joked that the show was so long "Avatar now takes place in the past."
All in all, I think the Oscars really hit it on the nose this year. Yeah, it was corny and narcissistic, it's the Oscars! But the hosts hit some high notes, the skits were funny and the correct people won the correct awards. Here's to 2011 and hoping we have wonderful films this year! *shooting star*
BTDubs, that last paragraph, totally going to be my audition piece for Oscar TelePrompTer (my spell check corrected it to this, why the weird caps?) Writer School! 😉
One more thing before I go... what a difference a decade makes.
Jump to see how my predictions did. 10 1/2 out of 12, not too shabby if I don't say so myself!
Last year I went to see My Bloody Valentine in 3D and I made a comment that I wished every movie would be in 3D. Well one year and one Avatar later and it looks like my wish might come true... and all I can do is blame myself. It really kills me to have to write this post, but after I saw Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland yesterday, I'm afraid it must be done. Tim Burton, one of my favorite directors, has noticeably hit a slump over the past few years, and with his latest work, it doesn't look like he's going in the right direction anytime soon.
The Alice reboot, which is actually a sequel, has been a highly anticipated film since it was announced. The clout around it grew and grew, and therefore, going into this movie I naturally had very low expectations, because, let's face it, when people expect good things from things and/or people they usually disappoint. The reviews have been lukewarm at best, most of them seemed rather let down by the film in general. Variety said of the pic,
But for all its clever design, beguiling creatures and witty actors, the picture feels far more conventional than it should; it's a Disney film illustrated by Burton, rather than a Burton film that happens to be released by Disney.
...because he can.
In honor of Nip/Tuck's series finale I am writing a post, which has been over a year in the making. Well, really it wasn't in the making, more of in my brain. Procrastination's my thing, remember?! Anyway, this post is in part inspired by the below episode of Nip/Tuck feating The Hangover's Bradley Cooper and Supernatural's sexiest, brooding angel, Castiel aka Micha Collins! The post is also based on my experience in manipulating men to tell me things they normally wouldn't admit, even to themselves, ie they've tried to fellate themselves... and much, much more!
Auto-fellatio, or the art of south-of-the-boarder self-service, is both a practiced and prideful phenomenon which can only happen when the Sun aligns with Uranus (terrible joke) and, well.. you get the picture. I'm not making this shit up, there are books and websites dedicated to learning how to do this. I know, all you men are reading this (in actuality it's just my mother and she's horrified right now, again, sorry mom) and rolling your eyes at me, thinking to yourself, "This bitch it crazy, I would never do that, how homosexual!" And to you I say, "Bitch please! If you could do it, I know you would!" Because, let's face it, I know, just was well as you do, you've all tried it! Which brings me to my hypothetical of the day:
Hypothetically speaking, would you give yourself a BJ if you could?
A good litmus test for whether or not you might be uncomfortable by this post is the below video. I taped my Nana (RIP) talking about sex. All in all, she's brilliant, and if you would be unable to talk to your grandmother about anal sex do not read on. Because I did... and it was wonderful!
Continue reading AUTO-FELLATIO: Sampling Your Own Pancakes→
Utah proposed a law to criminalize miscarriage. SRSLY?!
State Rep. Carl Wimmer, says he'll take out the provision making a woman's "reckless act" inducing miscarriage eligible for homicide prosecution. This is the part of the bill that could've sentenced women to life in prison for falling down the stairs, drinking alcohol, or staying in an abusive relationship.
Unfortunately, Wimmer plans to leave in language that criminalizes a woman's "intentional" act to induce miscarriage — meaning some miscarriages and/or illegal abortions could still open up a woman to homicide charges. All this is in response to a 17-year-old girl who paid someone to beat her into miscarrying — the solution to which, clearly, is to throw her in jail. It apparently hasn't crossed the legislators' minds that improving access to safe, legal abortions — by, for instance, removing Utah's parental-notification law — might prevent girls and women from resorting to such horrific tactics. Or, more likely, Utah still cares more about controlling women than about helping them.
I concur with Jezebel. This is just poor lawmaking. Maybe instead of adding useless laws, these so-called lawmakers should enforce/revise currents laws. How many times can I saw law? LAW, LAW, LAW! Apparently a lot.
I get that fetal alcohol syndrome does exist but the conspiracy theorist inside of me makes me wonder if it's really all just a little bit of bullshit? I mean, come one, our grandmothers drank and smoked during their pregnancies and the Baby Boomers are like the best generation ever.
I'm not saying all us ladies should drink and smoke when we get preggers, but we live in a world of hypochondriacs and disease mongers. With that said, when I am with child, I will lay in bed, not move and have my husband bring me everything I want, for fear of harming my precious spawn. And honestly, I can probably give up my vices for the better part of a year, I just don't know how I'm going to give up sushi. That shit is addictive and packed with protein... and yummy, yummy mercury!
Besides, Nova Schin makes non-alcoholic beer for pregnant women. Because, let's face it, there's nothing more satisfying, then coming home after a long day of carrying your giant ass belly around, with creepy ass people touching you, kicking your feet up and opening up a brewski. SRSLY though, I would never fucking drink non-alcoholic beer, that's just plain blasphemy!
On a slightly related note, and to take some of the, you're-an-evil-baby-killer heat off me, here's my future baby-daddy, Stephen Lynch, singing a wonderful little diddy. This one goes out to the ladies!
Intent published an article last week about PMS and how it's really great for women because it gives us a chance to turn inward and explore our emotional spectrum. And then Jezebel got a hold of the article and tore it a new one.
Actually, what makes me "sad, anxious, and angry" is not my PMS. It's this article, which suggests that normal women even have the option to "resist their natural hormonal cycle." As if that's possible without some sort of outside assistance? The only ammo I have against my natural hormonal cycle is a pack of birth-control pills and a crazy-pill cocktail. And even then, I can't guarantee I'm not going to be a sobby bitch for at least half a day. (Alternately, I can't guarantee I'm not not going to be a sobby bitch at any other point during the month.)
I don't find either of these articles incredibly eye opening. All women, who bleed, have experienced PMS for it's bad, ie bloating, bitchiness, tearfulness, eat-everything-in-the-house-syndrome, and CRAMPS. We often forget the great things about PMS ie period boobs and the fact that you are not pregnant!
Regardless of these articles, I'm honestly pretty fucking tired of men, not the dumb ones in films and TV, but men in real life asking the stupidest question of life, "Oh is it that time of the month?" Because it is either (a) that time of the month, and if it is you've just said something that's going to really fucking piss her off, or the more likely (b) not that time of the month and you've basically just invalidated her feelings.
Men, you know how every time your team looses and you get really irritable and sad? What if we were to turn around and say, "Oh god, you fucking pussy, man up, it's a fucking game!" You probably would be upset that we invalidated your feelings, and if you were subject to monthly hormonal tide of overwhelmance it would probably make you cry!
So, please, I beg you... DON'T FUCKING HURT WOMEN'S FEELINGS BY BEING COMPLETE AND UTTER TOOLS! IF YOU DO I WILL FUCKING HUNT YOU DOWN AND CUT YOUR BALLS OFF!
And I'm not just yelling because I'm on my period. Now have a nice day!
Take me to Oscar Predictions.
Each year the Oscars are a blood bath of designer gowns, divaness and reaction shots, and the Oscars 2010 are going to be the most epic bare knuckle fight EVER! For the first time, they don't have just 5 nominees, but 10! 10 movies! I had to watch 10 movies, including Avatar! I digress, we'll get to Avatar later. But yes, 10 films have been nominated for best picture. I'm still flabbergasted. And although the films themselves should be at the forefront of the race for Oscar gold, that's not even close to being the case.
The Oscars 2010 is shaping up to be the biggest battle of the sexes ever! Kathryn Bigelow, director of The Hurt Locker, and James Cameron, director of Avatar, previous 3 time Oscar winner for Titanic, are duking it out with the most nominations, 9 each. Their respective films represent exactly what the film industry is nowadays; a titanic director (pun intended) creates an epic work, loved the world over for technological advances but not story. Then we have a virtual unknown who makes waves out of ripples with her little film that could, which is pipelined with depth but had previously not been publicized well. However, that's not even the best of it, Bigelow and Cameron are exes. Yeah, they were married.Continue reading OSCARS 2010: The Biggest Battle Of The Sexes EVER!!!→
It must be that time of the month again. My monthly subscription has come... to Cosmo I mean. Yes, Cosmopolitan Magazine is the source for all my life decisions. They're brilliant, that's all I have to say; and this month they've delivered a few great gems unto the world. RadCooks is your only source for monthly Cosmo Recaps!
Click the links below to be Cosmoed
Who is Lady Gaga? - Pg 30-34
