Let me just go on record with saying that I HATE clubs! I think there's nothing more vile than a bunch of drunk bridge and tunnelers rubbing against one another in adorned t-shirts to bad remixes of played out songs in seizure inducing strobe light. With that being said, I somehow found myself at a club this weekend and it brought me back to a time in my life (that I'd rather forget) of when I was a club rat. Yes I know, it's shocking but true. I never really dug the club scene, it was more the dancing I liked, and when I was a younger thing, boy did I like me some dancing. So as I was sitting in this loud, throbbing club, getting a lap dance from three beautiful men at the same time (what can I say? That's how I roll), I pondered to myself, how had I done it and managed to keep my dignity? Let's explore this with the age-old 5Ws & an H! How To Drink? Now for most of the people I know, the general consensus is if you want to enjoy a club you need to be drunk (my freshman year of college testifies to this.) If you want to maintain your swagger and not be all bloaty (a problem if you're donning your Saturday Night Worst) then nix the beer, wine will just make you sleepy, cocktails are an arm and a leg, go with hard liquor... and lots of it! Side Note: I'm not encouraging anyone to get drunk... not unless you want to. Also: Flasks = Friends Who To Avoid/Befriend? Anyone with spiked/gelled hair... so all men in the club. Anyone who dances with their hands, unless they're from Europe. Bouncers. Other girls. Side Note: Girls that you did not go with are not your friends, stick with your own and don't stray from the pack. As for bartenders, they're good-looking for a reason, they want your money. Don't try flirting, they're too busy. Now who you want to be in with is the bathroom attendant, they've got the goods. As the night goes on people drink more and more and with the mixture of skinny bitches, vodka/crans and skin tight hoochie dresses the bathroom line will be long and they will run out of TP. Now unless you're willing to drip-dry, you've got to make friends with the bathroom attendant and she'll hook you up: TP, lollipops, cigarettes, condoms, a spanking paddle (I've been offered all of these.) Also, promoters, if you have a vagina, you get in for free. Now this goes in with drinking, you want hard liquor, who has that? Men who want to meet women get table service, you have to flirt for it, but you can hook yourself up with a free Grey Goose... or in one shameful case, slyfully grab a bottle of Captain Morgan from a group of machismos when they're not looking. I said it was shameful! Read more after the jump! Continue reading A Feminist’s Guide To Clubbing →