Let me just go on record with saying that I HATE clubs! I think there's nothing more vile than a bunch of drunk bridge and tunnelers rubbing against one another in adorned t-shirts to bad remixes of played out songs in seizure inducing strobe light. With that being said, I somehow found myself at a club this weekend and it brought me back to a time in my life (that I'd rather forget) of when I was a club rat. Yes I know, it's shocking but true. I never really dug the club scene, it was more the dancing I liked, and when I was a younger thing, boy did I like me some dancing. So as I was sitting in this loud, throbbing club, getting a lap dance from three beautiful men at the same time (what can I say? That's how I roll), I pondered to myself, how had I done it and managed to keep my dignity? Let's explore this with the age-old 5Ws & an H!
How To Drink?
Now for most of the people I know, the general consensus is if you want to enjoy a club you need to be drunk (my freshman year of college testifies to this.) If you want to maintain your swagger and not be all bloaty (a problem if you're donning your Saturday Night Worst) then nix the beer, wine will just make you sleepy, cocktails are an arm and a leg, go with hard liquor... and lots of it!
Side Note: I'm not encouraging anyone to get drunk... not unless you want to.
Also: Flasks = Friends
Who To Avoid/Befriend?
Anyone with spiked/gelled hair... so all men in the club. Anyone who dances with their hands, unless they're from Europe. Bouncers. Other girls.
Side Note: Girls that you did not go with are not your friends, stick with your own and don't stray from the pack.
As for bartenders, they're good-looking for a reason, they want your money. Don't try flirting, they're too busy. Now who you want to be in with is the bathroom attendant, they've got the goods. As the night goes on people drink more and more and with the mixture of skinny bitches, vodka/crans and skin tight hoochie dresses the bathroom line will be long and they will run out of TP. Now unless you're willing to drip-dry, you've got to make friends with the bathroom attendant and she'll hook you up: TP, lollipops, cigarettes, condoms, a spanking paddle (I've been offered all of these.) Also, promoters, if you have a vagina, you get in for free.
Now this goes in with drinking, you want hard liquor, who has that? Men who want to meet women get table service, you have to flirt for it, but you can hook yourself up with a free Grey Goose... or in one shameful case, slyfully grab a bottle of Captain Morgan from a group of machismos when they're not looking. I said it was shameful!
Read more after the jump!
What To Wear?
Now there's a couple ways you can go with this and it depends on the "where," but in my clubbing heyday I only wore pants. Tow words: wandering hand. If you're a lady who likes to shake her groove thang, then you're going to attract attention from the not-so-fairer sex, and with that comes creepers who like to paw. If you're going to be brave and wear a skirt or dress, always go with opaque tights or leggings, you don't want to be flashing your Britney to everyone.
As far as heels go I don't really dig them. Don't get me wrong, they're beautiful, I have a mini-collection, and I'm pretty short so I could definitely benefit from them, but they're so damn uncomfortable, especially if you're going to be dancing. I like the flashy flats, no sandals, I've gotten my foot stepped on by a stiletto, I wanted to cut a bitch it hurt so bad. If you want a lift, go short, if you don't want to go short, I was a big fan of high wedges, you've got support to dance all night and you won't break your face if you drink too much.
When To Go?
Friday night is amateur night, in the City at least; you get your bridge and tunnelers, you get your fake IDs, the typical club rat trash that wants to get wasted because it's Friday and they had such a long hard week at the customer service call center or the local garage. If you want to go to a club, go on Saturday, by then people have gotten most of their absurd behavior out of their systems so you'll only have to deal with the typical bullshit.
If you want to get in free you've got to know a promoter, get on a list, show up before midnight, you'll get a seat and a spot on the dance floor as well as a chance to empty your bladder before the bathroom turns into Vomit Central or Coke Whores 'R Us and you'll get a change to chat with the attendant. Leave before 3AM. Trust me when I say, the last thing you want is to stay until last call and see the lights get flipped on in a club. That is not a sight you can just bury in your brain, that shit stains your eyes.
Where To Be?
Again, a few ways you can play this: tables, dance floor, bar, seating... or poles. You can always find a table that will let you join in on the fun. In clubs, women are a commodity and if your hot then... well you get the picture. The dance floor is for brave chicas, but you ladies know the drill, dance in a circle with YOUR girlfriends, if one of your girls gets sequestered by a gentlefellow and she gives you the "get him the fuck off me" eyes then help a sister out and casually dance her away from the offender. If you go to the bar, you can certainly meet a bunch of people, perhaps even use your lady-skills to commission a $10 beer, but it's crowded and cramped, and if you're short, you might as well not. Seating, seating is where it's at, but you have to be strategic. It's hard to get seats in a club, so you hover and then you pounce, and then you never leave.
Now I know all you pervs (which means all of you) are interested to hear about the poles. Normally dancing on a pole or a bench or a speaker could be interpreted as objectifying and displaying yourself, however, with my twisted logic I think not and I have decided to take back the poles! I repeat ladies: TAKE BACK THE POLES! I must admit to dancing on an elevated platform or two in my day, and here's why; men cannot touch you. Just like if you're an actual stripper shaking your ass at some dude, you're untouchable. You're above them, they can look, but really you're on a pedestal, dancing around with other girls, and if you want, you can slink in the back or on the side, because some of those hos are serious.
Why? Just, why?
I don't know, I really don't know anymore. Why does anyone go to a club? Because you're 16 and you just got a fake ID. Because you just broke up with your boyfriend and you want to find some poor schlub to drown your sorrows and your saliva in. Because you have a hot dress. Because it just opened. Because it's Girl's Night. Because it's free. Because there's nothing else to do. Because you just want to dance. Because you want to burn off those calories while simultaneous ingesting a days worth in vodka. Whatever your reason for going you've got to use the MissBleecker motto and keep it Kla$$y. So follow these simple rules and you might just leave the club unbruised, with some cash in your pocket, and without an STD. And remember ladies, if you're looking to find a man, go grocery shopping, because no one ever met her husband in a club!
A Feminist’s Guide To Clubbing
Let me just go on record with saying that I HATE clubs! I think there's nothing more vile than a bunch of drunk bridge and tunnelers rubbing against one another in adorned t-shirts to bad remixes of played out songs in seizure inducing strobe light. With that being said, I somehow found myself at a club this weekend and it brought me back to a time in my life (that I'd rather forget) of when I was a club rat. Yes I know, it's shocking but true. I never really dug the club scene, it was more the dancing I liked, and when I was a younger thing, boy did I like me some dancing. So as I was sitting in this loud, throbbing club, getting a lap dance from three beautiful men at the same time (what can I say? That's how I roll), I pondered to myself, how had I done it and managed to keep my dignity? Let's explore this with the age-old 5Ws & an H!
How To Drink?
Now for most of the people I know, the general consensus is if you want to enjoy a club you need to be drunk (my freshman year of college testifies to this.) If you want to maintain your swagger and not be all bloaty (a problem if you're donning your Saturday Night Worst) then nix the beer, wine will just make you sleepy, cocktails are an arm and a leg, go with hard liquor... and lots of it!
Side Note: I'm not encouraging anyone to get drunk... not unless you want to.
Also: Flasks = Friends
Who To Avoid/Befriend?
Anyone with spiked/gelled hair... so all men in the club. Anyone who dances with their hands, unless they're from Europe. Bouncers. Other girls.
Side Note: Girls that you did not go with are not your friends, stick with your own and don't stray from the pack.
As for bartenders, they're good-looking for a reason, they want your money. Don't try flirting, they're too busy. Now who you want to be in with is the bathroom attendant, they've got the goods. As the night goes on people drink more and more and with the mixture of skinny bitches, vodka/crans and skin tight hoochie dresses the bathroom line will be long and they will run out of TP. Now unless you're willing to drip-dry, you've got to make friends with the bathroom attendant and she'll hook you up: TP, lollipops, cigarettes, condoms, a spanking paddle (I've been offered all of these.) Also, promoters, if you have a vagina, you get in for free.
Now this goes in with drinking, you want hard liquor, who has that? Men who want to meet women get table service, you have to flirt for it, but you can hook yourself up with a free Grey Goose... or in one shameful case, slyfully grab a bottle of Captain Morgan from a group of machismos when they're not looking. I said it was shameful!
Read more after the jump!
What To Wear?
Now there's a couple ways you can go with this and it depends on the "where," but in my clubbing heyday I only wore pants. Tow words: wandering hand. If you're a lady who likes to shake her groove thang, then you're going to attract attention from the not-so-fairer sex, and with that comes creepers who like to paw. If you're going to be brave and wear a skirt or dress, always go with opaque tights or leggings, you don't want to be flashing your Britney to everyone.
As far as heels go I don't really dig them. Don't get me wrong, they're beautiful, I have a mini-collection, and I'm pretty short so I could definitely benefit from them, but they're so damn uncomfortable, especially if you're going to be dancing. I like the flashy flats, no sandals, I've gotten my foot stepped on by a stiletto, I wanted to cut a bitch it hurt so bad. If you want a lift, go short, if you don't want to go short, I was a big fan of high wedges, you've got support to dance all night and you won't break your face if you drink too much.
When To Go?
Friday night is amateur night, in the City at least; you get your bridge and tunnelers, you get your fake IDs, the typical club rat trash that wants to get wasted because it's Friday and they had such a long hard week at the customer service call center or the local garage. If you want to go to a club, go on Saturday, by then people have gotten most of their absurd behavior out of their systems so you'll only have to deal with the typical bullshit.
If you want to get in free you've got to know a promoter, get on a list, show up before midnight, you'll get a seat and a spot on the dance floor as well as a chance to empty your bladder before the bathroom turns into Vomit Central or Coke Whores 'R Us and you'll get a change to chat with the attendant. Leave before 3AM. Trust me when I say, the last thing you want is to stay until last call and see the lights get flipped on in a club. That is not a sight you can just bury in your brain, that shit stains your eyes.
Where To Be?
Again, a few ways you can play this: tables, dance floor, bar, seating... or poles. You can always find a table that will let you join in on the fun. In clubs, women are a commodity and if your hot then... well you get the picture. The dance floor is for brave chicas, but you ladies know the drill, dance in a circle with YOUR girlfriends, if one of your girls gets sequestered by a gentlefellow and she gives you the "get him the fuck off me" eyes then help a sister out and casually dance her away from the offender. If you go to the bar, you can certainly meet a bunch of people, perhaps even use your lady-skills to commission a $10 beer, but it's crowded and cramped, and if you're short, you might as well not. Seating, seating is where it's at, but you have to be strategic. It's hard to get seats in a club, so you hover and then you pounce, and then you never leave.
Now I know all you pervs (which means all of you) are interested to hear about the poles. Normally dancing on a pole or a bench or a speaker could be interpreted as objectifying and displaying yourself, however, with my twisted logic I think not and I have decided to take back the poles! I repeat ladies: TAKE BACK THE POLES! I must admit to dancing on an elevated platform or two in my day, and here's why; men cannot touch you. Just like if you're an actual stripper shaking your ass at some dude, you're untouchable. You're above them, they can look, but really you're on a pedestal, dancing around with other girls, and if you want, you can slink in the back or on the side, because some of those hos are serious.
Why? Just, why?
I don't know, I really don't know anymore. Why does anyone go to a club? Because you're 16 and you just got a fake ID. Because you just broke up with your boyfriend and you want to find some poor schlub to drown your sorrows and your saliva in. Because you have a hot dress. Because it just opened. Because it's Girl's Night. Because it's free. Because there's nothing else to do. Because you just want to dance. Because you want to burn off those calories while simultaneous ingesting a days worth in vodka. Whatever your reason for going you've got to use the MissBleecker motto and keep it Kla$$y. So follow these simple rules and you might just leave the club unbruised, with some cash in your pocket, and without an STD. And remember ladies, if you're looking to find a man, go grocery shopping, because no one ever met her husband in a club!