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COSMO: What I Learned In May 2011

MissBleecker — Fri, 22 Apr 2011 02:58:00 +0000

It must be that time of the month again! My May issue of Cosmopolitan, staring Paramore's Hayley Williams, came in the mail! And as per our agreement, I've thumbed through the countless ads for self-tanner and diet pills to find the very best, this month's issue has to offer! And as per our agreement, you shall read what I have to say. Now go! READ IT! Hayley Williams: Corn Dog of Revenge pg. 46-49 The Rubber-Band Effect pg. 144-147 I Have Orgasms All Day Long pg. 214-215 Sex Moves His Ex Didn't Do pg. 141-143 How Guys Really Feel About Your BO pg. 82 Decode His Texts pg. 256 May Look Book Check out full scans of Hayley's boring interview.

COSMO: What I Learned In April 2011

MissBleecker — Thu, 10 Mar 2011 07:00:35 +0000

What, can I say? It's been a while. It seems while one of my original From Scratch monthly posts recapping the cockamamie advice of one Cosmopolitan Magazine has been good to me with a plentitude of hits, I have not been very good to it, throwing it to the wayside in exchange for copious amounts of Ke$ha posts. Well I'm sorry, to the Cosmo rag and RadCooks faithfuls alike. I was doing all over you, myself included, a disservice of massive proportions. But don't fret, my duties to the Sex Bible will no longer go untended. What's the change in attitude, say you? Well dear internet-mongers, it's Lent, and as a terrible Catholic and one who's never kept a Lent Resolution (what do you call what you give up for 40 days?) I've decided to turn over a new leaf. I'm not giving anything up this Lent, because that would be counter-productive, instead I'm going to do something. And what shall I do, you ask? I'm going to do reading! It's really quite shameful, I'm a writer, in and out, I write for fun, I write for leisure, I write for pay, I write because I'm always right but I don't read. So I'm going to, at least for the next 40 days (hopefully.) Today I'm reading Cosmo's April edition, cover to cover, even the monthly rape article. I know what you're thinking, Cosmo isn't real reading, well to you I say, baby steps, my friend. Tomorrow I'm hitting Freud's "Three Contributions To The Theory of Sex," but tonight, tonight I read about PC muscles and mildly kinky sex! Without further ado, here's your Cosmo Recap for April 2011 starring Tron: Legacy's Olivia Wilde! Cosmo Cover Girl: Olivia Wilde pg. 48-51 Birth Control Break Down: Why Your Method Sucks, Plus A NEW Condom & Morning After Pill! pg. 162-165 The Sexy Side Of Ovulation pg. 158-159 A Three-Step Guide To The Full Body Orgasm pg. 134 101 Things About Men: ORLY?! pg. 70-73 MacGyver Beauty Tips pg. 203-207 Your Hair Might Look Good, But It Can Also Give You Cancer! pg. 176 Read Olivia Wilde's full article below!

COSMO: What I Learned In July 2010

MissBleecker — Sun, 27 Jun 2010 15:01:01 +0000

Here's the long-awaited Cosmo recap for July featuring the stunning, pasties flaunting Shakira. Click the links below to be Cosmo'd! Shakira: Almost A Puff Piece - Pg 22-26

Colombian babies didn't wear shoes and resorted to "sniffing glue so they could forget how hungry they were." (Direct quote)

Cosmetic Vaginal Procedures - Pg 159-161

"Husbands love the peekaboo look" referring the absence of labia minora.

The Complete User's Guide To His Testicles - Pg 112-115

The seam running down the underside of his penis is right on line with the seem on his boys. This spot is uber sensitive and when touched the right way can send his orgasm over the top.

15 Surprising Sex Facts - Pg 105-107

Women with higher levels of oestradiol cheat more often.

Plan B Questions Answered - Pg 156

You can take it up to 72 hours after a lack of or failed contraceptives.

6 Ways To Better Sex - Pg 122

Stop sucking in that tummy when you're doing the dirty. If you do, it restricts breathing, which makes orgasming harder.

Trends For July

Hottest Trend: The Snooki - The munchkin look might be out, but bouffants are very in.

See gallery below for full scans of the Shakira article.

Why It Rocks To Have A Vagina

MissBleecker — Wed, 24 Mar 2010 23:12:07 +0000

As promised I am delivering my first part of my first two-parter. If you loved Why It Sucks To Have A Vagina you'll moderately like this! 10 Reasons Why It Rocks To Have A Vagina 1. Babies - Freud says women have penis envy, well I say that men have womb envy. Yeah, you men claim to be so grateful that you don't have to deliver babies; but really, deep down inside, you're jealous. We give life unto the world and that rocks! 2. We Live Longer - Hello insurance check! Women generally get another few years on this earth! 3. We're Prettier - Let's face it, there's a reason countless paintings, sculptures, songs and poems have been dedicated to the bodies and faces of women. We're better looking! 4. Better Orgasms! - It's true, women have better orgasms. The clitoris is many times more sensitive than the tip of the penis. Our orgasms aren't only more intense than a man's but we can have different types of orgasms, count 'em, 3 types: clitoral, G-spot, and the newly discovered female prostate! 6 more reasons being a chick is awesome after the jump! 5. Multiple Orgasms! - Yes, I'm making this two separate items because it deserves to be noticed. Guys, you can discharge/recharge, but we don't have to. If we get going just right we can come like a wave! 6. Boobs = Free Stuff - We've all done it, flirted, flashed some cleavage, worn fuck-me shoes to get some swag. There's a reason women don't have to pay to get into clubs and it's because the good club owners know women = money. We can get men to buy us drink after drink without even so much as giving away our digits. 7. We Are Master Manipulators (aka Mental Terrorists) - How often have you flashed your puppy dog eyes, whined or manipulated your way into getting what you want? Women are, as my future baby-daddy Dane Cook (CLICK IT) explains, Brain Ninjas. We know what to say to get what we want and we know how to fuck with your head. 8. We Get To Be Picky - Men, you have to deal with rejection, it sucks. Women, on the other hand, we get to be picky about our mates (up to a certain point of course.) If we don't like you we have no qualms about throwing you back. 9. Personal Style - While men tend to uniform themselves, with jerseys, same old pair of jeans and t-shirt and more formally with suits and tuxes, a woman is pushed to flaunt her personality through her own style. We know that variety is the spice of life and you can usually tell how we're feeling by how we look that day. 10. Girly Shit - It's awesome to be a woman because every now and then we get to be girls! We get to have manis and pedis and facials and drink fruity drinks and go shopping and have slumber parties and braid each others' hair and have pillow fights and teach each other how to french kiss... oh my, have I said too much? Well, there you have it. Being a chick rocks! If you enjoyed this check out Why It Rocks To Have A Penis. Take it away Shania!

AUTO-FELLATIO: Sampling Your Own Pancakes

MissBleecker — Sat, 06 Mar 2010 23:27:38 +0000

...because he can.

In honor of Nip/Tuck's series finale I am writing a post, which has been over a year in the making. Well, really it wasn't in the making, more of in my brain. Procrastination's my thing, remember?! Anyway, this post is in part inspired by the below episode of Nip/Tuck feating The Hangover's Bradley Cooper and Supernatural's sexiest, brooding angel, Castiel aka Micha Collins! The post is also based on my experience in manipulating men to tell me things they normally wouldn't admit, even to themselves, ie they've tried to fellate themselves... and much, much more! Auto-fellatio, or the art of south-of-the-boarder self-service, is both a practiced and prideful phenomenon which can only happen when the Sun aligns with Uranus (terrible joke) and, well.. you get the picture. I'm not making this shit up, there are books and websites dedicated to learning how to do this. I know, all you men are reading this (in actuality it's just my mother and she's horrified right now, again, sorry mom) and rolling your eyes at me, thinking to yourself, "This bitch it crazy, I would never do that, how homosexual!" And to you I say, "Bitch please! If you could do it, I know you would!" Because, let's face it, I know, just was well as you do, you've all tried it! Which brings me to my hypothetical of the day: Hypothetically speaking, would you give yourself a BJ if you could? A good litmus test for whether or not you might be uncomfortable by this post is the below video. I taped my Nana (RIP) talking about sex. All in all, she's brilliant, and if you would be unable to talk to your grandmother about anal sex do not read on. Because I did... and it was wonderful! Gentlemen, what's the one thing that can ruin a blow job? Say it with me... TEETH! Nothing is scarier to a man than a vagina with teeth, which in the case of BlowJays, a mouth is. While it has the potential for incredible pleasure, let's face it, the mouth can do things the run-of-the-mill VaJayJay can't. It also has the potential to be a bear trap. Which, I mean, if a guy has the opportunity to get dome, even with the potential of a little toothiness, he's going to do it. However, if auto-fellatio were, in fact, achievable by all men, they would finally understand how hard (pun-intended) and what an intricate and delicate art form fellatio actually is. Taking Micha's side in this, where would women be if men could service themselves like that? We'd basically be out of a job (oh the puns). It's like those machines that build cars, "Oh, we figured out how to do it without you, so sorry, lay-offs." And you can forget about reciprocation. Not like it isn't hard enough as it is to get a guy to go down on you, if you take away the only Ace up our sleeves, which a blow job is, we, as women, have basically lost all of our cunnilingus rights, which, as it would be, our right to orgasm. Side note: Only 20-25% of women can achieve vaginal orgasm during sex. So guys, work the clit! Just in case you don't know where it is, here's a fucking map!

Memorize this shit!

Anyway... back to the issue at hand... speaking of hands, can I just talk about The Hand Job Principle for a sec? The HJ Principle is as follows, men, while they would welcome a hand job from a gentlelady (and only if she's gentle, hey-oh, I'm on fire today!) would much sooner prefer some other sort of sexual act, because, and here's the kicker, they can do it better themselves! Guys don't seek out HJays, because they've got that shit covered, they know what they like, they've been doing it for decades and they've got it down to a science. I mean, if you made killer pancakes and then someone was like, "How about you eat the pancakes I made? Even though they are inferior to yours," you'd probably try them, because, let's face it, pancakes are awesome and we should all sample a large variety of flapjacks, but at the end of the day, no pancakes are going to satisfy you like yours will because, you know how do it good! Is anyone else hungry right now?! And so, because I love sweeping metaphors, hand jobs are like awesome pancakes... wait, oh yeah. If you do it great yourself, you're not going to want someone else to do it for you. Therefore... if a guy can blow himself, he's not going to want a girl to do it for him. Which, depending on which side of the fence you fall on, could be a good thing. Women generally fall within two fractions on the blow job front, either (a) they are for it and like pleasuring their man and hearing him squeal and grunt, or (b) they find it disgusting and are selfish pillow princesses. Which, for the record, as far as pillow princesses go, is not just a term for women, guys! No one likes a pillow princess! However, I do find that most of the women, I come into contact with, fall within the former fraction of blow job politics. And so, in conclusion, men, please do not try to give yourself a hummer. Not because it might be construed as "gay," which, BTDubs I do not think it is, but because what will be left for us women? I know a lot of women would argue with me, that you'd actually be doing us a favor, but listen, we have egos too and our self-esteem is low enough without not being needed for the simplest of sexual favors. So for you men who are getting blow jobs from your special lady friend(s) be grateful, and for those of you guys who aren't so lucky to be getting head, come hang out with my friends... hypothetically speaking. PS You can all try but you're probably not going to be successful, because along with a necessary natural flexibility, you need an extra-long Johnson, which while I'm sure you all think yours is special, and let's face it, in some way, all penises are special in their own special way, but not all penises are necessarily special in a large kind of way... you know. But please go ahead and try, but just a little fact, because I really didn't support any of this thesis with factual backing, Kinsey, my favorite sexologist, found that at most 3/1000 men can fellate themselves. Which, I have to say, is better than your odds of winning the lottery, but, let's face it, you've got more than one try at winning the lotto. PPS I'm >this< close to being able to lick my elbow! PPS I said "let's face it" 5 times in the post!