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<\/a>\n\nWhat, can I say? It's been a while. It seems while one of my original From Scratch monthly posts recapping the cockamamie advice of one <\/a>\n\nWhat, can I say? It's been a while. It seems while one of my original From Scratch monthly posts recapping the cockamamie advice of one Cosmopolitan Magazine<\/a> has been good to me with a plentitude of hits, I have not been very good to it, throwing it to the wayside in exchange for copious amounts of Ke$ha posts. Well I'm sorry, to the Cosmo rag and RadCooks faithfuls alike. I was doing all over you, myself included, a disservice of massive proportions. But don't fret, my duties to the Sex Bible will no longer go untended. \n\nWhat's the change in attitude, say you? Well dear internet-mongers, it's Lent, and as a terrible Catholic and one who's never kept a Lent Resolution (what do you call what you give up for 40 days?) I've decided to turn over a new leaf. I'm not giving anything up this Lent, because that would be counter-productive, instead I'm going to do something. And what shall I do, you ask? I'm going to do reading! It's really quite shameful, I'm a writer, in and out, I write for fun, I write for leisure, I write for pay, I write because I'm always right but I don't read. So I'm going to, at least for the next 40 days (hopefully.) \n\nToday I'm reading Cosmo's April edition, cover to cover, even the monthly rape article. I know what you're thinking, Cosmo isn't real reading, well to you I say, baby steps, my friend. Tomorrow I'm hitting Freud's \"Three Contributions To The Theory of Sex,\" but tonight, tonight I read about PC muscles and mildly kinky sex! Without further ado, here's your Cosmo Recap for April 2011<\/strong> starring Tron: Legacy<\/em>'s Olivia Wilde<\/strong>!\n\nCosmo Cover Girl: Olivia Wilde pg. 48-51<\/a>\n\nBirth Control Break Down: Why Your Method Sucks, Plus A NEW Condom & Morning After Pill! pg. 162-165<\/a>\n\nThe Sexy Side Of Ovulation pg. 158-159<\/a>\n\nA Three-Step Guide To The Full Body Orgasm pg. 134<\/a>\n\n101 Things About Men: ORLY?! pg. 70-73<\/a>\n\nMacGyver Beauty Tips pg. 203-207<\/a>\n\nYour Hair Might Look Good, But It Can Also Give You Cancer! pg. 176<\/a>\n\nRead Olivia Wilde's full article below!<\/strong><\/em>\n\n![\"\"](\"https:\/\/i1.wp.com\/www.radioactivecookies.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/03\/wilde011.jpg?resize=150%2C150&ssl=1\")
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<\/a>\n\t\t\t<\/div><\/figure>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\n\n\n\nCosmo Cover Girl: Olivia Wilde<\/strong>\n\n![\"\"](\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.radioactivecookies.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/03\/tron11.jpg?resize=474%2C261&ssl=1\" "\\"tron\\"")
<\/a>\n\nI never thought much of Olivia Wilde<\/strong> before reading her Cosmo feature. How would I? She's fairly new to the scene and all I've seen of her was in IMAX 3D at a Tron: Legacy<\/strong> screening I glided through. I thought, she's cute, definitely got the whole dumb, wide-eyed doll bit going for her, but that's about it. Then I read this little article, which is written in her voice, and though I don't know how much of the writing, like her photos, has been touched up, it definitely struck a chord with me. \n\nThe Wilde girl allegorizes beauty and confidence. She talks about an encounter with an older woman questioning her choice in footwear when she was sporting her three-inch heeled booties out in NYC. Wilde says that she wears what turns her on to her. She says, \"We are at our sexiest when we feel the most confident. We are at our least attractive when we are sure of our inadequacies and practically cave in on ourselves to conceal them.\" And I thought, how true. If anything taught me this exact lesson it was my week long adventure sans face paint during No Makeup Week<\/a>.\n\nWilde also talks about the Hollywood factor. \"... it is nearly impossible not to check out what's scrawled about you on the bathroom walls. But if I let this nonsense creep into my psyche, I'll be ruined by it and therefore about as sexually empowered as a deflated blow-up doll.\" What a great image. Whether or not Wilde drafted a majority of these words or not, I don't really care. I like this first person narrative much better than the usual, writer-lunches-a-toned-down-celeb-and-doesn't-find-much-under-the-surface-bit<\/em> that Cosmo usually cranks out. Kudos to you MissWilde, I like you're style!\n\n\n\nBirth Control Break Down: Why Your Method Sucks, Plus A NEW Condom & Morning After Pill!<\/strong>\n\n![\"\"](\"https:\/\/i1.wp.com\/www.radioactivecookies.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/03\/quickstrips-condoms1.jpg?resize=468%2C328&ssl=1\" "\\"quickstrips-condoms\\"")
<\/a>\n\nThe NEW Condom<\/strong><\/ins>\n\nQuickStrips<\/a> is a new condom that has straps to idiot proof slipping on the love glove. (Because you know in the dark, it doesn't matter if it's inside out as long as it's on and he gets to stick it in.)\n\nDownfall:<\/em> Your condom has wings!\n\nThe NEW Morning After Pill<\/strong><\/ins>\n\nElla<\/a> is a new one-pill morning after option that is 98% effective and can be taken anytime within 5 days of unprotected sex. (Because you're really going to wait 5 days.)\n\nDownfall:<\/em> You need a prescription.\n\nYour Birth Control Sucks If You Use...<\/strong><\/ins>\n\nThe Pill<\/strong> because... after years of hearing that it lowers your libido science finally has some proof. \"A recent study found that 30% of those on hormonal methods (mostly the Pill) experienced lower levels of desire than did other women using other methods or no birth control at all.\" Cosmo credits this with the fact that the Pill lowers your testosterone level. Apparently, it also makes your skin more sensitive to the sun.\n\nDepo-Provera<\/strong> because... on average women who get the progesterone shot every three months gain about 11 lbs over three years. And no one wants to bone a fatty!\n\nNuvaring<\/strong> because... you might develop a harmless \"thick, heavy white discharge.\" Eww.\n\nImplanon<\/strong> because... the small implant may cause permanent scarring. \n\nThe Patch<\/strong> because... if you weigh over 190 lbs (probably because you've been shooting up Depo-Provera every night) it may become less effective... also didn't they discontinue the patch because of all the people that died... and the fact that it's an ant-pregnancy sticker!\n\n\n\nThe Sexy Side Of Ovulation<\/strong>\n\n![\"\"](\"https:\/\/i1.wp.com\/www.radioactivecookies.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/03\/wonderwoman1.jpg?resize=300%2C425&ssl=1\" "\\"wonderwoman\\"")
<\/a>\n\nCosmo gives us four reasons to be happy we're still ovulating! (Ha, all you bitches on hormonal birth control can suck it because this doesn't apply to you!)\n\nBangin' Bod<\/strong> - You're body looks better when you ovulate. \"Your waist-to-hip ratio becomes more accentuated and your breasts become more symmetrical.\" And when men had to chose the best looking snap-shots of one lucky lady, the dudes sided with the ovulating days.\n\nMan Magnet<\/strong> - The pheromones you're emitting when you're ovulating are extra-pheromonier and men are responding to that. Dudes even go into a special \"mate-guarding\" mode when you're ovulating because they subconsciously know you're horny, hotter and more hormone-y to other would-be mates.\n\nFlirtatious Fire<\/strong> - Whether you're singled or attached, you're more likely to head out and spit some game at the homies. A study also showed that \"women are more prone to thinking about men other than their partner\" on ovulation days.\n\nHorny Hottie<\/strong> - Due to the increase in estrogen and testosterone, you're more into getting down during your ovulation days. And a study at the University of Minnesota found that you're more likely to choose a slutty wardrobe of cleavage-revealing tops, leg-baring mini-skirts and hooker heels.\n\n\n\nA Three-Step Guide To The Full Body Orgasm<\/strong>\n\n![\"\"](\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.radioactivecookies.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/03\/womenorgasam1.jpg?resize=300%2C300&ssl=1\" "\\"womenorgasam\\"")
<\/a>\n\nCosmo promises that with practice and these this easy three-step program, you too, can have a full body orgasm.\n\nStep 1:<\/strong> The Power of Positive Thinking <\/em>- Cosmo advises you to imagine the tingly buildup sensation all over your body, especially in parts that normally wouldn't make you climax.\n\nStep 2:<\/strong> Don't Touch Me<\/em> - Have your partner touch every part of your body that is not an erogenous zone. Cosmo says that having other areas stimulated will build tension while simultaneously activating nerve-endings all over your body.\n\nStep 3:<\/strong> Start The Fucking<\/em> - And once you start the fucking, what are you going to do?... say it with me Cosmo readers... \"Squeeze your PC muscles!\" Very good! Cosmo says, \"Clench and hold for a few seconds - you'll feel a tingly sensation inside your vagina that heads to your lower abdomen. Keep doing this until you're about to peak.\" When you finally do, I guess you'll feel it all over. \n\n\n\n101 Things About Men: ORLY?!<\/strong>\n\n![\"\"](\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.radioactivecookies.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/03\/brawnyman1.png?resize=474%2C324&ssl=1\" "\\"BrawnyMan\\"")
<\/a>\n\nSo Cosmo has this new monthly bit of 101 Things About Men<\/strong>, and I guess they've run out of things to know abut men because this month is a bit questionable.\n\nHow He'd React If You Kissed A Girl<\/strong><\/ins>\n\n71% of men said that it'd be hot and they'd want to join in\n29% said that it'd be a deal breaker\n\nUm, is there a third choice of \"what else is new?\"\n\nThe Drink\/Outfit Combo Dudes Can't Resist<\/strong><\/ins>\n\nOn a scale of 1-10 men scored the following drink\/outfit combos.\n\n10 - skinny jeans\/beer\n8 - little black dress\/martini\n8 - miniskirt\/seabreeze\n7 - pencil skirt\/whiskey\n5 - tube top\/margarita\n\nLet's not forget the lethal combination of sweatpants\/water.\n\nDating Advice From A Hot Personal Trainer<\/strong><\/ins>\n\nOne personal trainer offers his advice on how to score a man at the gym, \"Girls who are lifting weights or running really fast send the message that they are serious and don't want to be bothered. But girls who flow through the gym - you know, casually exercising and talking to people - send the message that they want to be approached.\" \n\nThis guy sounds like a great personal trainer, don't push your body, instead kind of exercise but mostly socialize. I'm sorry but when I go to the gym, I'm not looking to meet a man; I'm sweaty, I have no makeup on, and I'm usually sporting one or more stains on an old high school t-shirt I picked out of a pile of my laundry. \n\nApologize To Him To Keep Him<\/strong><\/ins>\n\nLastly, Cosmo offers advice on how to apologize to your man to keep him around, but I think my advice is a bit better suited for the situations.\n\nHis Argument MO:<\/strong> He's Emotional, he tells you everything he's thinking.\n\nCosmo's Advice:<\/em> Say, \"I'm sorry, I know you feel [betrayed\/disappointed\/whatever emotion applies], and I would feel exactly the same way.\"\nMissBleecker's Advice:<\/em> Say, \"I'm sorry, what did I do now to contribute to another one of your mood swings? Is it your time of the month?\"\n\nHis Argument MO:<\/strong> He keeps tabs on everything you've ever done wrong.\n\nCosmo:<\/em> Say, \"I'm sorry I screwed up. It won't happen again, and next time I'll...\"\nMissBleecker:<\/em> Say, \"I'm sorry I'm not perfect like you. Next time I just won't even bother trying to dominate you!\"\n\nHis Argument MO:<\/strong> He gets on his soapbox and is all about the \"unspoken rules.\"\n\nCosmo:<\/em> Say, \"I'm sorry, what I did was totally wrong.\"\nMissBleecker:<\/em> Say, \"I'm sorry, who made you emperor of everything that's right? Oh wait, that's me, and I say, you're wrong!\"\n\n\n\nMacGyver Beauty Tips<\/strong>\n\n![\"\"](\"https:\/\/i1.wp.com\/www.radioactivecookies.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/03\/macgyver1.jpg?resize=450%2C582&ssl=1\" "\\"macgyver\\"")
<\/a>\n\nCosmo gives some great tips on how to fix beauty snafus in a pinch and without your usual supply of shellack and probing tools. Here are the Cosmo suggestions and a little bit of MissBleecker flair.\n\nHow to... defuse booze breath<\/strong>\n\nCosmo's Advice:<\/em> Sip water with your cocktail and buy mini-toothbrushes.\nMissBleecker's Advice:<\/em> Order garlic fries, a dirty martini made with only olive brine, then follow it up with a shot of espresso... all that shit's got to cancel each other out... or chew gum, whatever's easier.\n\nHow to... mattify oil-slicked skin<\/strong>\n\nCosmo: <\/em>Dab your t-zone with a toilet seat cover or toilet paper.\nMissBleecker:<\/em> Rub your face on the nearest hottie, you'll dry your drenched skin and break the ice at the same time!\n\nHow to... smooth a jagged nail<\/strong>\n\nCosmo:<\/em> Use a matchbook as an emery board.\nMissBleecker:<\/em> Use your jagged nail to shank the next bitch that tries to steal your man.\n\nHow to... lose the wine-stained lips<\/strong>\n\nCosmo:<\/em> Use a packet of sugar as a scrub or swipe your teeth before drinking with clear lip balm to avoid pigmentation.\nMissBleecker:<\/em> Tilt your head back and don't let the wine touch your lips or teeth. \n\nHow to... lock down melting self-tanner<\/strong>\n\nCosmo: <\/em>\"You want him to see your postsex glow, not your faux glow all over his sheets. Before hitting the sack, take out your trusty compact and dust your most sweat-prone parts.\"\nMissBleecker:<\/em> DON'T USE SELF-TANNER!\n\n\n\nYour Hair Might Look Good, But It Can Also Give You Cancer!<\/strong>\n\n![\"\"](\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.radioactivecookies.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/03\/gasmask1.jpg?resize=474%2C277&ssl=1\" "\\"gasmask\\"")
<\/a>\n\nSo by now, I'm sure you've all heard about Brazilian Blowouts<\/strong>, which are neither Brazilian nor a blowout, but more precisely a Keratin based hair treatment that semi-permanently straightens hair. Well Cosmo, hasn't heard of the new fad, that is until now, and they're warning you about the potentially dangerous treatment about a fucking decade late. \n\nCosmo interviews Moira, a 34 year-old curly top, who only wanted to get her unmanageable mane tamed and be able to get caught in the rain without worrying about frizz. That is every girl's dream. But even though Moira's whole morning routine was cut back by 40 minutes, Cosmo is going against beauty and telling its trusting readers to stay away from Brazilian Blowouts because of the amount of formaldehyde<\/strong> (that's what they use to embalm dead people) the treatment uses. \n\nHow much formaldehyde does a Brazilian Blowout use? To quote Cosmo, \"Brazilian Blowout products contain formaldehyde but the levels ranged from 6.8% to 11.8%. To give you a sense of how high that is, the recommended safety limit for formaldehyde in beauty products is 0.2%.\" Cosmo goes on to say that exposure, even secondhand exposure, to the chemical has been linked to leukemia, nose and throat cancer and Lou Gehrig's disease. Really Cosmo, Lous Gehrig's disease?\n\nWell it turns out that formaldehyde is the corn of chemical products because when I did a quick google search I found a long list of items that usually contain formaldehyde. Including but not limited to:\n\nGlue\nPlywood\nFiberboard\nInsulation\nParticleboard\nTimber Paneling\nLotions\nShampoos\nSunblock\nSoap Bars\nCosmetics\nBody Wash\nToothpaste\nBaby Wipes\nBubble Bath\n\nBubble bath?! What is the world coming to?!","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"What, can I say? It’s been a while. It seems while one of my original From Scratch monthly posts recapping the cockamamie advice of one Cosmopolitan Magazine has been good to me with a plentitude of hits, I have not been very good to it, throwing it to the wayside in exchange for copious amounts … Continue reading COSMO: What I Learned In April 2011<\/span>