Tag Archives: shakespeare

Literature

Practical Will: Measure for Measure

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Measure for Measure a Comedy by William Shakespeare

Fun Fact: Measure for Measure is the only Shakespearean play to have a thematic title. Can you find the theme? Here goes!

The Duke "goes on vacation" but is really disguised as a friar so he can observe the goings on in his hood. He leaves wet blanket Angelo in charge, who isn't getting any, so he decides no one else can get any either. He arrests Claudio for knocking up Juliet out of wedlock, even though they are totally in love and ready to tie the knot, to which Angelo says, "Too bad, they should have thought of that before they did the nasty. " Isabella, Claudio's virgin sister, pleads with Angelo to release her brother. Angelo agrees, but only if Isabella gives him a little something-something in return (hint: her virginity.) Isabella refuses and goes to her brother, thinking the request will appall him and that he would rather man up and take the death penalty than let his lil' sis be tarnished. But Claudio is all like, "Well you could do me this solid... death is pretty scary when all you have to do is whore yourself... and it would be whoring yourself for good, which isn't really a sin."

Isabella isn't prepared to take one for the team and Angelo threatens that if she tells anyone about his offer, he will ruin her reputation. So what's a girl to do? Good thing The Duke is still in town and has heard all about her dilemma. So The Duke and Isabella, along with Angelo's ex, Mariana (they were engaged but he dumped her right before the wedding) plot to entrap Angelo with his own anti-sex laws. They basically pull what, in sex terms, is called "The Houdini." Angelo thinks he's going to bone Isabella, but actually bones Mariana in disguise. Just before the big reveal scene, The Duke decides to tell Isabella her brother has already been executed, because he just can't wait to see the look on her face when she finds out her brother is alive, oh burn! Angelo is called out for breaking his own pre-marital sex laws and it is revealed he secretly banged his ex, and is now forced to marry her. So I guess things work out for Mariana after all? But Isabella is still bummed about her brother being dead, until wait, it's revealed he's alive! Isabella is so happy she doesn't even question the mix-up and accepts The Duke's marriage proposal, because after a lot of serious personal and political meddling, who doesn't love a happy ending?!

Literature

Practical Will: Coriolanus

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The Tragedy of Coriolanus a Tragedy by William Shakespeare

Coriolanus, or as he's referred to early on in the play, Caius Martius, is a Roman war hero, who is also a bit of a stuck-up, arrogant snob. The people of Rome are rioting because the upper-crust refuses to give them corn, Cori puts all the Plebeians on blast for being greedy for wanting food. Understandably so, everyone in Rome hates Cori because of his tude, they're close to banishing him altogether, but they first need him to win one more battle. So they send big-bad Cori to Coriloi (hint: this is where he gets his new aka) to fight the evil Volscians (not related to Star Trek). Only one big snafu occurs and Cori is locked inside the city alone. He shows just how badass he is, by single-handedly killing all the evil Volscians, for which the city gives him the new moniker, Coriolanus.

Cori returns to Rome and is now super popular, the Plebeians forget all about how much of a dick he was before. So he decides to run for office, but in order to do so, he needs to humbly ask for votes, which he's really not good at. When Cori loses the election he is pissed, he's like, "I cannot believe those gross poor people didn't vote for spectacular me. I mean I am the best, I would vote for me!" So he teams up with his arch nemesis Aufidius to teach Rome a lesson for not making him their leader. All of Cori's female relatives come up on him like, "Son, you're overreacting just a tad, maybe don't burn your hometown to the ground just because you weren't voted most popular." After some sweet talk, he agrees and returns to Rome without his army. But Aufi is even more his enemy now for backing out of their deal and insights another riot, which results in Cori being brutally stabbed by dozens of Plebs in the street. Almost immediately after his death, everyone decides, "Oh actually Cori wasn't that bad a guy, he did risk his life for everyone a bunch. He was just kinda into himself." And so Cori is basically martyred and remembered as a war hero, instead of the greedy, classist he was.

Literature

Practical Will: Love’s Labour’s Lost

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Love's Labour's Lost A Comedy by William Shakespeare

Honestly I was lost most of the time. There's not much story to this one, it's all in the wordplay. So much of this play is written in verse and Shakespeare takes a lot of time with the characters' dialogue. What's really interesting about the last of Shakespeare's comedies is that it's also one of the only stories that can be completely attributed to Shakespeare. Not many people know this, but Shakespeare was more of an adapter than an original story-teller. Lost in particular cannot be traced back to any earlier work, rather, Shakespeare based it off two distinct classes of Elizabethan time, basic country bumpkins and the royals. Which basically accounts for his audience, both English commoners along with Queen Elizabeth attended the Christmas production of Lost.

What I was able to surmise from the play is not much, but here goes. The King of Navarre and his royal dudes decide to take an oath of celibacy for 3 years, in order to improve their studies. But the Princess of France is in town with her girls and word is they are all DTF, putting the royal dudes in a pickle. Meanwhile, in the country, all the simple bros are into this one dairy wench, Jaquenetta (I know, great name!) I really can't keep any other names straight, so one dude writes her a love letter, meanwhile another dude writes one of the royal ladies a love letter, and of course, they get mixed up. Fast forward, the men go to the women disguised as Russians (for some reason) but someone has already tipped off the gals and they also exchange their identities. Then there's a play within the play, which is broken up by news that the Princess' father, King of France has died and she must return. Navarre pleads with the Princess to stay with him, but she's like, "Yo I got a funeral to plan. Why don't you take that vow of celibacy again, but for a year? If you're still standing after that, we can talk." And then she peaces. Then there's a song about a year passing, the end.

Literature

Practical Will: Pericles, Prince of Tyre

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Pericles, Prince of Tyre A Comedy* by William Shakespeare

It's a seafaring adventure with Pirates y'all! So Pericles is a Prince who parties his way over to Antioch and figures out that the King is incesting with his daughter, gross. Pericles now has a hit out on him, so he takes to the high seas, and gets washed up in Pentopolis, where the Princess Thaisa is up for grabs at a jousting tournament. Pericles enters and wins, of course. Fast-forward, she gets knocked up and they decide to move. So they set sail and Thaisa gives birth during a very nasty storm, and ends up "dying" during childbirth. The shipmates are superstitious about having a dead body aboard so they make Pericles throw her over. Pericles makes a really nice coffin with all her jewels and shit and tosses his Queen overboard, cold. Pericles can't even think about being a single dad so he sails his new baby, Marina, over to his bro's island and asks him and his wife to care for her. Meanwhile, Thaisa's coffin washes up on shore and some dudes find her and work some magic to bring her back to life. Now Thaisa thinks her daughter is dead and her husband is gone for good, so she becomes a nun, because what else would she do?

Fast-forward again, Marina is 14 and the people her pops dropped her off with are not cool. In fact, they are planning to kill her but she's suddenly kidnapped by Pirates, yes PIRATES! They sell her to a brothel, because as a noble 14-year-old virgin, she's a hot commodity. But Marina refuses to whore herself for some reason, she's threatened with rape constantly, but every time she's alone with a man, she somehow talks them out of it. Meanwhile, Pericles gets word that the King and Queen of Antioch are dead and he can return as King of Tyre, he's like, "Great! Let me just pick up my daughter and we out!" But when he goes to his bro's island, he's like, "Sorry, she dead."

Pericles is pissed, he thinks his wife and daughter are dead. Some dude overhears and is like, "Yo, I've got just the thing to cheer you up, I've got the ill brothel hook up." So this guy brings Pericles to, none other than, Marina, gross. Pericles and Marina have a pity off, where Marina reveals her parents' names, Pericles can't believe he's reunited with his daughter, and just in time not to have sex with her! Pericles then faints and has a vision telling him to go to this temple, which he does obviously, because why are you not going to listen to the Gods? So Pericles goes to the temple where Thaisa is and tells the nuns his story, apparently he can't recognize his wife, but she sees him and is like, "Hey dumbass, I'm alive, thanks for throwing me off your fucking ship! You're going to be sleeping on the couch for a while!" And so Pericles is reunited with his wife and daughter, returns to Tyre as King, and lives happily ever after.

*Shakespeare canon is split up into Tragedies, Comedies and Histories, however Pericles' classification has been debated and is sometimes put into a separate Romances category.
Literature

Practical Will: Henry VIII

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The Life of King Henry VIII a History by William Shakespeare

So Henry's first wife, Katharine, uber Catholic Spaniard, thinks her 20-year marriage to the King is all honky-dory. Until Henry goes to a party at one of his boy's cribs where he meets this hottie, Anne, who's playing hard to get. So Henry is too busy flirting to realize the political shit-storm circling overhead. One of Henry's boys says he overheard Buckingham say that he should have been next in line for the throne. Now he's not all that far off in saying this, do you all remember Richard III? That evil douchebag? Well the guy that rebelled against him was Buck's dad, Buck Sr. So Buck Sr. defeats Rich and instates Henry VII in his place, who executes Buck Sr. without a trial. So when Buck Jr. is lead to the chopping block, he can't help but feel a sense of history repeating itself.

Henry is still sprung on Anne and offers her a fancy title, a sweet-ass pad and an allowance. She declines, under the guise of pretending to be Kate's friend. But one of her girls is like, "Dig girl, dig!" Meanwhile, Kate is hearing all these rumors about a divorce and is all like, "Um Catholic's can't get divorced." But everyone tries to convince her to go along with an annulment so she can remain on Henry's good side. Seeing no other options, since he's the fucking King, she agrees. And so Henry and Anne are married in a very long scene, followed by an even longer coronation scene. After the wedding we check back in with Kate, she's dying, of course, and uses her Catholic guilt to convince Henry to care for their daughter, who will turn out to be Queen Mary I, more commonly known as Bloody Mary. Thanks for the brunch beverage girl!

We jump forward to the birth of Henry and Anne's child, and surprise, it's another girl! Not what Henry wanted, even though she turns out to be Queen Elizabeth I, or the single best English Monarch ever! The play ends with another long boring scene, the christening of Liz. Then a prologue guy comes on stage and begs the audience to applaud, because for being such an interesting real story, this is one of Will's more boring plays.

Literature

Practical Will: Timon of Athens

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The Tragedy of Timon of Athens a Tragedy by William Shakespeare

The classic riches to rags story. Timon is a rich politico in Athens, he's super popular because of his generally positive attitude and generosity. We open up the story at one of his off the chain feasts; the place is littered with food, booze and women. Timon's loyal servant, Flavius is like, "Dude, maybe you shouldn't be so loose with the purse-strings and charge a cover or something."  To which Timon replies, "I'm gonna make it rain up in here!" Then the bad news comes in the form of three debt collectors; Sallie Mae, Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. Flavius tells Timon that he doesn't have any money in the account to pay and all his land his already mortgaged, in Monopoly terms, he's bankrupt. But that still doesn't get good old Timon down, he sends his servants to all his rich boys to ask for a loan, but they each deny him. Timon is like, "Alright, okay, okay, okay. I see how it is." And so he invites them all over for one final feast. The feast is super awkward and when the "food" is brought out Timon reveals it's just dirty water and throws it in all his frenemies faces and leaves Athens.

Meanwhile, Alcibiades (an officer of the military) goes before the senate to plead for his boy who got a little hot and offed some guy in a bar fight. Alcibiades ends up annoying the senate and gets himself banished. But he's not having any of it so he rallies a couple of whores and his military boys just outside Athens and who should he run into, but none other than Timon. Timon is digging up some gold he had stashed outside town, Alcibiades is shocked that merry old Timon has now become a crotchety old hobo thanks to the same people that banished him and vows to get even. Timon tells him to fuck off and he does.

Word gets back to Athens that Alcibiades is planning an attack and everyone goes to Timon's cave to try and lure him back to Athens, since its been a total bummer not being able to go to his kick-ass parties anymore. Timon tells them all to hang themselves if they're so afraid and kindly fuck off. And so, Alcibiades marches with his army to the gates of Athens, the senators cave immediately and offer peace. Just as Alcibiades accepts their terms and they open the gates, a messenger comes with news of Timon's death. The poor fuck even made his own tombstone and wrote his own damn epitaph, how fucking sad is that? It basically said something like, "Fuck you all, you all hated me, don't mind my grave, just keep on walkin'." Alcibiades decides at the last minute to avenge Timon and marches into open Athens with his sword drawn.

Literature

Practical Will: Othello

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The Tragedy of Othello, the Moor of Venice a Tragedy by William Shakespeare

A Tragedy of prejudice and domestic violence. We start out in Venice, honest Iago let's the audience know he hates Othello, a man who has quickly risen to General despite being the only person of color around. O has also taken for his bride, lily white Desdemona, who Iago is obsessing over hard. Did I mention Iago is married? Iago thinks O his schtupping his lady (Emilia) on the side, but has no proof, so devises a plot to ruin O's rep. The gang embarks to Cyprus, because, scenery, hello! Iago uses Emilia as a pawn to steal Des' strawberry embroidered handkerchief, O's first gift to her. Emilia goes along with this for some reason and Iago plants the hanky in Cassio's room, a hunky Captain. Iago poisons O's mind with jealous notions about his girl, and O falls for it. Now keep in mind O, even being a high ranking military official, still gets a lot of crap just for being the only black man in the Mediterranean, so it appears honest Iago is the only man to have his back... also his name is honest Iago, he couldn't lie... could he?
Meanwhile Emilia is getting worried for her bestie Des, she's noticing O's jealous fits and steps in. She tells Des straight up that she can't be letting her man emotionally or physically abuse her, but Des just loves him too much and knows he means well. Eventually O explodes with jealousy and strangles Des in their bed, and in her dying breath Des denies he hurt her. Come on! Emilia finally puts 2+2 together and reveals her husband has been orchestrating this whole thing. Iago kills Emilia for snitching, then runs away, then gets caught, then O confesses, stabs Iago, but doesn't kill him so he can live out his life in prison, then kills himself out of guilt.
Literature

Practical Will: Taming of the Shrew

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The Taming of the Shrew a Comedy by William Shakespeare

It's a play within a play! The story starts out in a bar and then some drunks decide to put on a production. This rich Italian dude has two daughters, one bitchy, one boring. Bianca, the younger more docile one has about a million guys hitting her up 24/7. But pops won't let her marry until Kat, the older, fiestier, sassier one is hitched. But the local bros just can't wrap their heads around a woman with her own mind, so collectively the suitors get Petruchio, in town on a vision quest, to woo her. Petruchio is like, "if she's got money then I'm in", but Kat isn't having any of it. Petruchio decides to do a little reverse physc, outbitching even her bitchiest remark. She's married off despite her wishes, and is basically kidnapped after the wedding. Pet brings her back to his pad, starves her, doesn't let her sleep and mentally and emotionally tortures her. Then he gives it to her so good that she's dickmatized in love with him. Kat and Pet return to Padua for Bianca's wedding to one or another suitor, I can't really tell them apart, and the men all make a bet on whose wife is most obedient. Apparently some light political crimes make for the perfect marriage because Kat comes when Pet calls. So the moral of the story is, being a dick and being charming are the same thing, but only if you're a man.
Literature

Practical Will: Richard III

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As many of us "millenials" (I put this in quotes because I do not like this term, but I digress) reach the ripe age of 30, we ask ourselves certain questions. What kind of benefits does this job come with? None. Should I go out this weekend? Probably not. When is the last time I read for pleasure? Um... So, In my wisdom and old age I have decided to re-read ALL of Shakespeare and give them each a modern, concise summary for my classically inept generation, I'm calling it Practical Will. I have some pretty badass copies of the complete works of Shakespeare as published by the Yale Printing Press in the 1960's (hello vintage!) and will be picking 1 a week at random. Now some of these I will be re-reading, I mean what high-schooler hasn't read Romeo & Juliet or Hamlet? Other will be totally new for me, especially the histories, so lucky me I get to start with a great history!

The Life and Death of Richard the Third a History by William Shakespeare

Richard returns home from war with PTSD and goes on a bloody rampage. Jealous that his fighting has only worsed both his body and mind, but given his brother the throne, Rich decides he is the best person for the job so he plots to steal the crown. He subsequently murders all of his male relatives, marries his brother's widow, kills her, then tries to marry his neice. All the women are like, "WTF, how is no one noticing you've killed all the male heirs? What are we supposed to do, just cry about it?" Pretty much. I consider this the ultimate political satire, Richard breaks the 4th wall constantly and is really quite obvious with his lies and schemes, but somehow he manages to find supporters, kind of like Trump. By the end, when someone tries to steal the throne back, Rich is all like, "Hey, what the hell? Am I not the best king ever?" And everyone's like, "No, you're the fucking worst, die." And he dies, very quickly and with no build up whatsoever, and so peace is restored to England.